The Thousand Dollar Bill

I’m something of a history buff. By history buff, I mean I surf Wikipedia for hours at a time. Did you know that the U.S. once had a thousand dollar bill? True story. It raised a couple of questions in my mind. Questions that might be easily answered if you actually researched the topic, but then there’d be no point to this blog.

What dick would actually try to use a thousand-spot to pay for something? To 1920-era cashiers, he had to be public enemy number one. Nobody can break a thousand. If you tried to pay at Applebees with a thousand dollar bill, they wouldn’t give you change, they’d give you the restaurant. They’d probably still owe you. You’d probably get to go home with the waiter and take some stuff out of his fridge. Maybe take his wife out for a nice little dinner.

I can’t even imagine what the owner of a thousand dollar bill would look like. It would have to be the Monopoly Guy. At the very least he’d have a top hat.

A little further research revealed that the thousand dollar bill had a picture of President Grover Cleveland on the front. This doesn’t seem outrageous enough for such a big bill. Here are some more appropriate pictures for the K-bill:

  • Uncle Sam freaking with Erin Andrews, making it rain on a couple of strippers
  • A shirtless, ripped George Washington doing lines
  • An anthropomorphic American flag kicking an Indian in the face
  • The Ultimate Warrior
  • Michael Jordan dunking from the free throw line, except this time he’s dunking on Hitler
  • A hologram of Abraham Lincoln and Robert E. Lee clunking heads together like the helmets used to do on Monday Night Football
  • Ben Franklin holding ten hundred dollar bills
  • Dr. J dunking from the free throw line, except this time he’s dunking on Hitler
  • A bum finding a thousand dollar bill
  • Billy Ocean singing his 1984 hit, Caribbean Queen
  • The DVD cover of Goodfellas
  • Jesus dunking from the free throw line, except this time he’s dunking on Judas

Unfortunately, the $1,000 is no longer in production, so these changes will never see the light of day. But there are still other forms of currency around, so if you always wanted to see MJ giving a world class facial to the leader of the Third Reich on a five spot, call your local congressman.


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