Now it’s time for another installment in part of my award-winning series, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? A running series in which we speculate on how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time, Chewbacca:
STRENGTHS: University of Florida quarterback who some would say is Christ-like in his perfection.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Tebow shows up looking for a fight, but Chewbacca shows up wearing a nice suit and glasses while clutching a Bible. Tebow is confused. “Mr. Bacca, I thought we were going to test our strength in battle?” Chewbacca laughs and takes off his glasses. “Please, Mr. Tebow. Physical combat is such a rudimentary determination of superiority. Allow me to suggest a more refined course of action.” Han then hands him a box of Jenga. After Tebow beats him in 14 straight games, he shoves the box and all the pieces up Tebow’s ass and powerbombs him through a card table.
TAKING THE BUS TO WORK
STRENGTHS: Despite the environmental benefits of using public transit, it kinda blows.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After the Millenium Falcon breaks down, Chewie is forced to take the bus for about a month. After two weeks of being late and uncomfortable while riding, he breaks down and starts carrying the entire bus to his job. Despite getting a little tired on the third day when his shoulder feels a little stiff, he throws some IcyHot on that bitch and continues making all the stops.
STRENGTHS: Good gubernatorial candidate who took it home in Virginia.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Runs a solid campaign, but ultimately loses after Chewie promises free money to everyone who votes for him. During his victory speech, he says to his supporters, “I don’t have the money for you yet, but this December there will be $45 in each of your Kwanzaa baskets.”
Someone yells out, “There’s no such thing as a Kwanzaa basket!”
Chewie shrugs. “Well, I guess you can all fuck off then,” and runs away with a bag of money he got for winning the election.
OPENING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT
STRENGTHS: Actually, it’s not that difficult. The social network’s easy to use interface makes it simple for users to start an account.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After several hours of struggling with his computer, Chewie presents Han with a Word document with a picture of them at Kings Dominion pasted into it and the words “INTERESTS: THE BEACH,” written on them. Han prints this out, puts it on the Millenium Falcon’s refrigerator and deems it a success.
MAKING IT THROUGH SPANGLISH WITHOUT CRYING
STRENGTHS: It’s a touching movie, is all.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Luke and Han weep openly as Chewie sits sternly on the recliner. “Are you kidding me? How could Tea Leoni cheat on Sandler? He was a great guy! And the resolve of the Spanish chick…my God! How does that not bust you up, man?” says Han, blowing his nose into a tissue. “Eh, wasn’t that sad,” says Chewie while he takes a swig of beer. “Looks like the credits are over. Hmm. Well, guess I made it through the whole movie without crying.” He then walks into the Millenium Falcon’s walk-in closet and cries his eyes out for seven hours straight. Afterwards he walks directly into the forest to beat and humiliate seven bears just so he can feel like a man again.
STRENGTHS: Bears are ferocious.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie stands over the seven bears, all bruised and wearing tutus so he could embarrass them, he sobs and screams to the heavens, “HE WAS SUCH A GOOD FATHER! THOMAS HAYDEN CHURCH ISN’T EVEN HALF THE MAN THAT SANDLER WAS!” One of the bears puts his head up for a moment until Chewbacca quickly elbows him back down. “AND WHILE I’M HERE, IT’D BE A CRIME NOT TO MENTION WHAT A GREAT PERFORMANCE CLORIS LEACHMAN PUT IN. WHAT A PROFESSIONAL.”