Born Fighting

Election Day is a few weeks away, which is a reminder that politicians spend millions of dollars printing up stupid campaign ads. This weekend I saw a bumper sticker for Jim Webb’s Senate run a few years back. It said, “Jim Webb: Born Fighting.”

If you really were born fighting, that doesn’t mean you have what it takes to be a US Senator. It just means you were an angry baby. Something happened in the womb to put you on the edge, so you came out the hatch with your dukes up. Maybe that means you’d be good in a barfight, being that you may be a cuddly 10 pound toddler wearing boxing gloves, but I doubt it makes you a sharp legislator. 

Another frightening truth about this statement: babies suck at fighting. Think back to when you were a baby. You couldn’t stand up straight, much less walk. No balance. You were crying all the time. Peeing on anything. You were no Foreman.  Any baby participating in a fight is getting whupped, no question. Do you want a man who got whupped in his first 100-200 fights representing you in the Senate? That’s a horrible precedent to set. Maybe one day he can’t write up a bill, all because he can’t shake the image of some thug’s fist flying into his face, sending him through a glass window and his pacifier flying out of his mouth.

The only way he’s going to actually win fights as a baby is if he fights other babies. And I’m sorry, that’s not the kind of Senator I want representing me. Since not that many babies are fighters, you have to assume that this baby would be one of the few babies with solid fighting ability. Kind of like the Steven Seagal of babies. A baby bully, basically. So here’s young Jim Webb, walking around in a diaper, slugging infants left and right, leaving a trail of babies in his wake all because he couldn’t satiate his desire to get involved in some kind of Baby Fight Club, and you’re telling me that’s going to be my future Senator? Don’t know if I feel comfortable with that.

I did a little research on the slogan, and it turns out that it was the title of Webb’s book on how Scot-Irish immigrants shaped America. So the logical conclusion is that if Jim Webb had his way, America would be nothing but Scottish babies, with their kilts and bagpipes, and Irish babies, dressed like leprechauns, duking it out in a non-stop brouhaha to determine European immigrant baby supremacy.

No thanks, Mr. Webb.

Just so you know, back in 2006 I would have voted for the other guy running against you if I actually voted, or if I had even taken the time to know who that guy was.

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