On CNNSI’s FanNation this morning, there was a story about New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain potentially moving to the bullpen in the playoffs. Each post has a comments section which usually draws a fairly large turnout seeing as CNNSI gets a buttload of traffic. The comments went back and forth between pro and anti-Yankee sentiment until I came to this gem from a Yankee fan who goes by the handle of Arto Steals Your Base:
Well, nine games back and just two up on the Rangers … today should be a gloriously bitter day for Sox fan posting on FN. I do enjoy that so. But first … a bagel! I may shower as well.
During our lives, there are crucial moments in which we must make split-second decisions. Sometimes, they are made hastily. I think that Arto Steals Your Base may have uncovered the Rosetta Stone of day-to-day decision maintenance. How many regrettable choices in your life could be rectified if, before you took any action, you took a moment to pause and say, “But first…a bagel!”
“Yeah, I’ll accept this job offer with the Darfur PD…but first, a bagel!”
“Sure, I’ll flip off that cop and throw this bottle of beer at his cruiser…but first, a bagel!”
“Sure, I’ll step outside to brawl with you, Rampage…but first, a bagel!”
“You’re my best friend, and I’ll definitely help you tell your staunchly conservative, devout Christian parents that you’re gay…but first, a bagel! We may shower as well.”
I love this guy. First of all, he’s got nothing substantive to say whatsoever. He establishes that the whole reason he’s posting is to talk trash to Sox fans. He also puts the Sox fans in their place by letting them know that whatever banshee wailing they may participate in is not important as his daily morning ritual of a shower and a bagel. This makes me want to move to NY and open up a deli called, “But First…A Bagel!” We’ll stay open from 4AM until a minute before noon. We’ll only serve bagels. You’re not allowed to have already eaten anything earlier in the day. This bagel must be the first thing you’ve eaten, and if it isn’t, you’re full of shit and we don’t want your business. Also, we’ll have showers in the back that you can possibly use, if you’re in the mood.
The sheer genius of this post is that it leaves you with so many questions. What kind of bagel? Did he spread butter or margarine? Did he eat anything else with the bagel? Does he sing in the shower? What kind of soap does he go with? Dove? Ivory? Did he shower first, then eat his bagel? Or was it bagel, and then shower? Will he eat the bagel in the shower?
I realized that I could just go back and see whether or not he posted again to give us the answers to these questions. But I thought about it, and I don’t want to go back. I’d rather let the extent of this guy’s banality remain a mystery for the rest of time. Like Rachel Dawes love for Harvey Dent, the outcome of Arto Steals Your Base’s morning must remain a secret in order for this post to truly withstand the test of time as the masterpiece that it is.
Congratulations, Arto Steals Your Base. You, and all those like you, are precisely the reason why Twitter exists.