Guys My Friends Should Draft in Fantasy Football

The NFL is back, which can only mean one thing: fantasy football. I’m in three leagues this year, so I figured I’d write a guide to the can’t-miss players that all my friends should look out for:

Michael Vick, QB  – Here’s one word that comes to mind – potential.  Should get lots of playing time, and with his accurate arm and great field vision, this guy should be a second or third round pick, easy. He’s also probably durable after he withstood daily prison beatings.

Brett Favre, QB – How can you not pick someone who’s having fun like a little kid out there? In fact, any fantasy league worth it’s weight in gold will have a statistical category for “Having Fun Like a Little Kid Out There.”

Steve Breaston, WR – Talented wideout who became the Cards’ number one receiving option after Larry Fitzgerald constructed a time machine, went back to a year before the cure for polio was developed, contracted polio, then came back to present day and infected Anquan Boldin.  Wait, you didn’t hear about that?

Plaxico Burress, WR – Eli’s favorite target. Did you happen to catch the Super Bowl the season before last?

JaMarcus Russell, QB – When you hear the analysts talk about studs, this is who they’re referring to. This guy is a big quarterback who also happens to be black. That has to count for something, right? I know he has his detractors, but do they remember that this guy was the number one pick? Only the best players get taken number one.  With a dynamic first name like JaMarcus, this Raider QB is bound to be a star one day. There’s never been a famous player before named JaMarcus, so why not start now? You know what, what the hell….

Anyone On The Oakland Raiders – Where some people see a horribly run franchise dominated by malcontents and mediocre talent, I see a team on the cusp of greatness.

PacMan Jones, CB – Sure, he’s not in the NFL. And sure, even when he was in the NFL, he didn’t play an offensive position. But the guy is a star! He’s an exciting personality, and that is part of what makes the NFL great. Might not score you a ton of touchdowns, but he will overcompensate with his ridiculous production within the all important “strippers impregnated” statistical category.

Chester Taylor, RB – He was a great pick even before he became the Viking’s number one running back earlier this preseason when Adrian Peterson fell off a cliff and died.

Bizarro-Rex Grossman, QB – While Rex Grossman may have been banished to the Texans’ bench behind starter Matt Schaub after countless interceptions and bad throws, his antithesis remains a solid fantasy option. Bizarro Rex Grossman is tall, black, attended Florida State, can actually hit a receiver in stride, and does not make you wonder if he is inebriated and/or retarded while playing football.

D.J. Hackett, WR  – This Redskin receiver knows Coach Jim Zorn’s system better than anyone. Plus, I recognize his name from a couple years ago when Fantasy experts predicted he’d be decent before he sucked. So, there you go. At least you know who he is.

The Detroit Lions Offensive Line – Fantasy football is not one by sticking to the same old traditional strategy. In order to win, you need to stand up at the draft and say, “With my next pick, I’m taking Detroit’s O-Line and I’m going to start them all as running backs. Why? Because it’s an innovative approach that no one’s taken before. You know what else was innovative and questioned during its time? Granting civil rights to the African American community. So don’t be a racist and let me do this.” I’m telling you, it’s bold moves like this that win fantasy leagues.

Jerome Bettis, RB – Even with that hotshot rookie Willie Parker nipping at his heels, I guarantee you that Bus gets the majority of the Steelers’ goal line carries.

Sinorice Moss – Santana Moss’s younger brother has been called the Tito Jackson of NFL receivers with the last name Moss. But I disagree. With Plaxico Burress in jail, and Domenik Hixon, Steve Smith, Mario Manningham, and Hakeem Nicks out due to the swine flu (Don’t you read the NY Daily News?) this guy’s looking like the G-Men’s  go-to guy.

Matt Leinart, QB – It’s true that he has yet to produce in the league. But I feel like he’ll really step up this year. After all, he did assume the starting job after Kurt Warner saw Larry Fitzgerald’s time machine lying around the locker room and used it to go back and get a hot dog from a vendor right outside the Twin Towers on 9-11.


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