Ortiz to Address Media Saturday

David Ortiz is planning to make remarks regarding the revelation that he appeared on a list of players who tested positive for PEDs in 2003.  A good friend of mine actually works for the Sox and he was able to get me a copy of the statement Ortiz plans to make. So here’s the exclusive. Big Papi’s planned remarks:

A lot of people call me a hero. Throughout New England, I’m revered as something of an athletic deity. Whether or not this is deserved is not for me to debate. But what I do and say is judged by millions of people within my area and throughout the nation. For better or worse, my words carry great weight. That’s why I can hold my silence no longer. I must let everyone know that I am severly disappointed by the actions of that guy who hacked Twitter.

I mean, it’s one thing to allegedly take steroids, even though it was never proven that the guy taking the steroids knew what was going into his body, but it’s an entirely different matter when you talk about crashing a major social networking tool used by millions of people! That’s just ridiculous. When I heard about it, the first thought that popped into my head was, “Really, Hacker Guy? Really? That’s just bad form.” That’s why before today’s game I wanted to take the opportunity to remind everyone that some nutball with way too much time on his hands, who is also not me, illegally hacked into a very popular website and brought it down.  And that is a shame, and we should talk about it.

It just sucks when you hear about some clown doing something like this. I felt so powerless, because again, the guy who did it was not me. If I was responsible, I would be able to fix it, but I’m not, which means we shouldn’t make this about me. We should definitely take all our collective energy and direct it towards this wisenheimer for his dickish behavor. His act was so heinous that I don’t even think we can spend time yelling at anyone else for bad stuff that they may or may not have done. Plus with the onset of innovations such as Twitter in the realm of social technology, it might be productive for the us to have dialogue about this topic and what it means for society. Just some food for thought.

I can’t tell you how bad this thing f’ed up my day. I check Twitter 40-50 times before lunch and I was going through major withdrawal. I literally spent three hours taking a bunch of those uber-lame Facebook quizzes. Thanks, Twitter Hacker. Without you I would never know that if I was a Golden Girl, I would be Blanche. My big question is – what did this clown think he was accomplishing by doing this?  Is it a productive activity that helps society? And isn’t doing that worse than pumping enough illegal drugs in your body to kill a horse just so you can hit towering home runs? Allegedly?

Everyone likes to talk about Twitter, Facebook, and blogging in general as a replacement for the printed word. This seems like a golden opportunity for newspaper writers to expose a glaring weakness in new media. Far be it from me to comment on a subject in which I’m lacking expertise, but I would think that the newspaper industry would want to strike while the iron is hot. It’s not just self-preservation either. This is a relevant news story. A relevant news story that has absolutely nothing to do with Big Papi.  Hell, I’ll write the story for you. I took journalism as an elective in high school. Always dreamed about doing it. If I wasn’t playin’ ball I’d be sitting at a type writer, covering local high school sports. You go ahead and take the kids out for a nice day at the movies.  Take ’em to see the new Harry Potter flick. Big Papi’s got your back. Don’t trust me? I’ve got writing samples available upon request.

Look, you could nitpick anyone’s life, but the bottom line is there are tons of bad guys out there who we could be writing stories about. Bin Laden and his terrorism…South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and his infidelity…Alex Rodriguez and his rampant steroid use…we could literally be here all day. My big point is, we should be focusing on the positives in life. Barack Obama. Big Papi. 2004. Oprah Winfrey. Big Papi. Birthday cake. Rainbows. So many positive things to talk about, it seems like a waste of our time to focus on someone who may or may not have used steroids. Or his friend who now plays in LA, who’s also a really good guy who didn’t hold journalists hostage in North Korea like Kim Jong-Il did.  

But I digress. Anyway,  I’ll leave you guys with a possible point of discussion that you may want to write a newspaper article about: that Hitler guy sure was a monster, huh? There you go. You’re welcome for that great topic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go bat .100 until they make steroids legal again.

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