Excellent Calzone You Got There, Costanza. Okay, Little Jealous Now

Quiznos serves their soup in a bread bowl. That’s a bowl made entirely of bread. When you’re done eating, there is nothing.  Apparently, the good people of Quiznos follow the Larry David-voiced George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld inspired maxim: “There’s nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but the table.”

The first thing you notice about them is their shape; they have a very odd configuration. The way they look falls somewhere between a nuclear muffin, a retarded pumpkin and a calzone that let itself go. A morbidly obese calzone. Of course, it’s easier to call it a bread bowl than it is to call it a calzone who ate a lot of Chipotle and stopped working out.

But here’s the weird part: It’s a unnecessary innovation. No one’s ever complained abotut bowls. No one ever ordered the minestrone at Morton’s, saw it was in a bowl, overturned the table and started fighting waiters because it didn’t come in a cup.  That’s why at no point in history before this has mankind attempted to circumvent its use of the bowl. You never saw Larry Crunch, or whoever the guy was who came up with Captain Crunch, try to install a milk-producing funnel at the top of every box of cereal so you could eat it straight from the cardboard. The closest we’ve gotten is the ice cream cone, although you could argue that the cone was the first ice cream receptacle, with bowls following. But the fact is, you’ll have to eat a lot of bread to avoid using that bowl. And for what? You’re trading a higher carbohydrate intake just because you don’t feel like doing chores. Hardly seems worth it to risk diabetes just to avoid washing a dish.

So without any other logical reason for the creation of the bread bowl, we’re left to believe that some guy out there just didn’t want anyone to know that he just ate a bowl of soup. Some people get self-conscious over their looks or their figure. Not the Jason Breadbowl, the Bread Bowl inventor. Soup consumption did it for him. Deep down it killed him, for some reason, to know that other people were aware of his soup-eating habits. He was probably forced to steal his chicken noodle from the store out of embarrassment. You go to his place, and all the porn has been moved out into the open to make room in his hidden man-cave for some Campbell’s.

It’s not like you can eat other bowl foods in the bread bowl. Can’t put ice cream in bread. Cereal? Forget it. Soup is it. The bottom line is, not enough people have a problem with regular bowls as a carrier of soup to justify making a new food item to carry it. On the other hand, go here to read a rational, well-thought out argument disagreeing with my take.


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