When I was in fourth grade, I wanted an owl. It all started when I read this book about a kid who had a pet owl. That piqued my interest. Then I read up a little bit more on owls. I read that even though they looked friendly, they could be savage killers when it came to eating field mice. I figured that combining the friendly, helpful traits of the owl from the book with the bloodthirsty mice hunter that all owls truly are (even this cute little guy to my right) would make the perfect pet. I could use it to deliver messages for me, impress the fourth grade girls, and attack any other fourth graders I didn’t like.
If you can think of better traits a pet could possess, please forward them my way. We’ll both acquire significant amounts of gray hair waiting for you to respond to that one.
Nevertheless, this whole concept was proof positive that all kids, no matter how intelligent, are stupid. I wasn’t a dummy; I got good grades all the way from kindergarten to college. But how could I think that the school would let me carry an owl around the playground? How did I even see that as being a possibility? “Excuse me, Ms. David? Can I use the hall pass? No, I don’t need to use the bathroom….just wanted to run outside to round up some dead mice. You know, it’s almost lunch time.” I would have loved to hear the principal question me as to why I even wanted to bring an owl to school:
“To impress chicks and claw your enemies’ eyes out? You think we’re going to let you bring an owl to school for that? Okay, A) you wouldn’t even know what to do with a girl and B) if you’re having a problem with bullies, we kindly recommend that you talk to your parents, teachers, or a guidance counselor before you resort to unleashing a wild animal into our unsuspecting student population!” Here’s the thing: I didn’t even get picked on more than any other kid. But there just kids I didn’t like who weren’t even bullies. They probably just told me my fingerpainting sucked or something. I guess I was sensitive though. For some reason, owl attacks fit somewhere into the elementary school conflict resolution paradigm. Why sit down with a kid and talk it out when you can let him get facialed by your money pet owl?
Forget about my teachers. How could I possibly think that my parents would go for buying me an owl? I don’t even know where you’d buy an owl. It’s not like their between the puppies and the goldfish at Walmart. Apparently I expected my Dad to just go out in the forest and catch one. Like he was going to show up Christmas morning, dressed like Santa Claus, with a present covered in feathers and dead mouse bones saying, “Ho, ho, ho, Mike! You’ve been an awfully good boy this year. Now come over here, give Santa a hug, and start sharpening Harold’s talons so he can go terrorize some of those schoolyard goons you run with.” I would have named the owl Harold, by the way.
Keep in mind, I’m only questioning the feasibility of acquiring this type of animal. In no way am I questioning how the experience would feel. There is no doubt in my mind that having an owl would be as cool as my fourth grade self dreamed it would be. Imagine climbing the highest tree in the yard, then realizing that you left all your toys down below? Your day would be ruined, if you didn’t have an owl to bring you your Star Wars figures. Now Han, Luke and Chewie get to have a whole new adventure at the top of that tree. Skin your knee while playing in a pile of rocks? Playing the role of Clara Barton, your owl can fly inside and grab you a band aid and some Neosporin. Want to take some more swings to work on getting your wiffleball batting average up, only your two brothers are inside watching the Simpsons and your sister is only three? Good thing you’ve got your trusty owl here to throw you batting practice, even though his wing is somewhat tired from throwing 7 innings of scoreless ball in the day’s earlier wiffleball contest.
How does this relate to the President’s healthcare plan? Let me explain. You see, the owl represents our nation’s healthcare needs, and I represent….you know what, it has nothing to do with it. I’m trying to work this owl thing into a bit and I thought mentioning the healthcare thing would get some cheap hits. I’m totally full of shit on this one. If you’re really angry, just take a quick look at the picture of that owl. How can you stay mad at that guy, he’s adorable. See, you already forgot about the fact that I blog-duped you.