I Am Opening for the Artist Formerly Known as Screech

…tonight and tomorrow night. Shows at 8:30 and 10:30. It will be at All Star Comedy Club at Listrani’s, which is an Italian restaurant about two blocks away from the Courthouse Metro stop on the Orange Line.

Among stand up comics, Screech is notorious for two things: 1) being a massive dick and 2) stealing jokes.  Maybe he’s a monster. Maybe he’s the nicest guy in the world. I won’t know until I meet him so I can’t say either way.  I will definitely give him the benefit of the doubt. Or at least I will give him as much benefit of the doubt as I can to a person who would sell a homemade sex tape on the internet. For all I know, these shows may all be a massive train wreck. I couldn’t pass up an opportunity for a good story.

Thanks to the good people at The Smoking Gun, I was able to find out that Screech once had a list of show requirements he would forward to bookers. It’s from 2004 so it may not still be in circulation or it may have been updated. Either way, I owe it to anyone attending this weekend’s set of shows to meticulously analyze it.  Let’s take a look friends:

Dustin Diamond, herein referred to as Artist

Da Vinci….Fellini….Baryshnikov….and of course, the guy who got shoved into a locker by Slater.

Please note that this is a Dustin Diamond show, not Screech from SBTB. Screech was one of many characters Artist portrayed earlier in his career.

So you’re saying we’re not allowed to refer to him as Beach Boy from Out of Control, Joey Harris from the Wonder Years, or as Deke from Big Top Pee Wee? I love you, IMDB. Like, more than a friend.

DRESSING ROOM: Purchaser agrees to provide a safe, private, comfortable space for Artist’s use. Purchaser agrees to keep all unauthorized persons from entering this area. A key to the dressing room shall be given to Artist or manager.

I have performed at Listrani’s many times, on both the weekend shows and the open mics. There is nothing even close to resembling a dressing room. There is the dining area, and there is a small foyer next to the kitchen where people pay for their takeout. If Dustin values his privacy, he will also have to value pizza dough, because the kitchen is the only place he’ll find it.

STAGE: Purchaser is to provide a stage for Artist to perform on.

Great! Listrani’s has a stage. It isn’t very long, wide, or high, but it’s a stage.

Minimum requirements are 12′ wide by 8′ deep by 1′? (sic) high.

Uh oh. Might be a problem. Well, maybe we can negotiate with hi-

Artist will not perform without a stage.

Damn it.

Purchaser agrees to adequate security, able-bodied, sober and qualified. One guard is to be stationed at the dressing room door to prevent unauthorized people from entering room while artist is occupying room.

So basically this means one burly looking dude needs to hang out next to the deep fryer.

One guard is to accompany Artist to and from stage.

“It is required that Artist be allowed to ride piggyback.”

HOSPITALITY: Purchaser to provide at no cost to Artist the following in his dressing room:
* 4 half-liter bottles of non-carbonated spring water. (2 chilled, 2 at room temp. )
* 4 cans of Red Bull
* 2 pints chocolate milk, 2 pints 2% milk (chilled.)
* 4 x 20 ounce bottles of Pepsi or Coke (chilled.)
* If performing in a club, 6 bottles of Michelob Ultra or Miller Lite per day.

Have you ever came home from a long day of work and thought, “Christ, did I have a long day today. I can’t wait to ease into my favorite recliner, kick my feet up, and begin consuming 2 liters of water, 80 ounces of Coke, 4 pints of milk (two of which are chocolate, all of which are chilled), 4 Red Bulls, and 6 bottles of Michelob Ultra or Miller Lite? Then I’ll really be able to unwind!”

Purchaser will ensure that the audience does not take any audio or video recordings of said performance.

“Artist is concerned that the audience will then use audio or video recordings of said performance to blackmail the Artist.”

Artist is to be met at the airport gate with a sign that says DIAMOND.

We can only pray that neither Neil, Dallas, or Hope are on any inbound flights to Dulles on Friday afternoon.

TYPE OF SHOW: Stand-up: Please note that Artist’s regular stand-up act includes some blue material. Artist does not portray the Screech character in the act, even though he does refer to SBTB in his show. You are getting a mature Dustin Diamond, not Screech.

No one has ever referred to Saved By the Bell as “SBTB.” It’s not relevant enough to abbreviate, plus I’m pretty sure it takes longer to say those four letters than it does to just say Saved By the Bell.

LECTURE: Artist will speak about breaking into the business and behind the scenes stories of Saved By the Bell complete with a question and answer period.

Screech giving advice on how to break into show business is like Ryan Leaf conducting a seminar on making it in the NFL.

Dustin will include the Screech voice, face, and walk along with bits of his comedy routine in this seminar.

Oh yeah, this is going to be a fun weekend.


7 thoughts on “I Am Opening for the Artist Formerly Known as Screech

  1. What’s great is that he doesn’t own the name “Screech”, so whenever he creates a product with that name on it, he writes it as “Screeech”. I guess he got the extra “E” while doing “The New Class”.

  2. Pingback: The Best of Understated Stupidity « Mike Eltringham

  3. Pingback: Co-stanza! « JimEltringham.com

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