Where Does Vick Land?

Michael Vick has been conditionally reinstated by the NFL. Provided he is signed, he may be eligible to compete as early as Week 6, or possibly earlier.  Despite all this troubles, Vick will draw significant interest from NFL teams. Why? Because despite the fact that he murdered defenseless animals in cold blood for sport, or that he lied profusely to cover up his involvement,  or that the skill he based his game around – speed – will have no doubt eroded somewhat during a two year prison sentence, or that he wasn’t even a very good football player in the first place…..well, I don’t know why. Those are all pretty good reasons not to sign him, now that I think about it.

Either way, someone’s going to sign him. Let’s break down the top ten most likely places he’ll end up: 

10. New Orleans
Vick is a walking metaphor for the city of New Orleans. A city, torn apart by horrible circumstances, rebuilds itself and achieves true redemption. Although in Vick’s case, true redemption will probably mean getting picked up for possession at a skin bar a year from now.

9. Detroit
True, they just drafted a franchise QB in Matthew Stafford. And certainly an 0-16 team would be hesitant to bring on more bad publicity. But the Detroit offensive line is so flimsy, Vick would be guaranteed to suffer some sort of injury. I’m rooting for this to happen based on that. In fact, if Vegas posted odds on “Teams Most Likely to Land Vick in a Neck Halo,” the Lions would be the leader in the clubhouse.

8. Buffalo
Because if they land Vick  and then sign Pacman Jones, they will be in the same locker room as T.O. Then they can appear in the movie based on my amazing screenplay titled “The Black Three Stooges,” which would never get produced in a billion years.

7. New England
Bill Belicheck gets a chubby for head case veterans with talent (see Harrison, Rodney or Dillon, Corey). Realistically, this won’t happen,  Vick would be nothing more than a trick option here, as he won’t unseat Brady at anything, much less quarterback, in this lifetime.  Brady is probably better than Vick at every category that life offers.  If they had a competition to see who could be a better black man, Brady probably figures out a way to trump Vick there, too.

6. New York Giants
If the Giants actually signed Vick, I see the scenario playing out like this: Vick shows up at camp saying all the right things, being a team player. Everything goes fine at first. Then Eli Manning breaks his leg. Vick replaces him. Team goes 2-14. Antonio Pierce is convicted of obstruction of justice and sentenced to ten years at a maximum security prison. The offensive line agree to a suicide pact and off themselves.  Brandon Jacobs goes crazy and tries to hijack a subway train, ending in a bloody standoff with NYPD. Tom Coughlin is fired and replaced by Wade Philips. The new stadium being built in East Rutherford is bombed by the Cowboys and Eagles players acting in unison. A month later they hit Yankee Stadium on my birthday. The next season, Vick announces that he is stepping down as quarterback, but only on the condition that his brother Marcus be allowed to take 100% of the team’s snaps under center.  Ownership for some reason agrees. In 2011, the Giants go 0-16 with Marcus Vick at quarterback, Michael Vick at receiver and running back,  no offensive line, and a  newly signed cornerback and offensive coordinator Pacman Jones at a newly created position he refers to as  “crunkback” in which he sits in the end zone drinking Cristal.  This is all followed by me waking up from my nightmare at 3AM and listening to the soothing sound of Seal’s Greatest Hits to calm my nerves.

5. Miami
I’d love to see this matchup, if only to see the inevitable confrontation between Vick and Bill Parcells. Talk about a testosterone fest oozing with machismo. And I think we all know what the result was the last time someone oozed with machismo. Don’t have to tell you how well that worked out for everyone involved.

4. Cleveland
They do have Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson. Or is it Brady Anderson and Derek Quinn? See – my point exactly. Vick might shake things up a little and breathe some new life into this moribund franchise. Of course, this experiment would end the first time Vick pulls out two members of the vaunted “Dawg Pound” and has them engage in a highly illegal underground fighting ring against their will. On second thought, maybe this wouldn’t work.  Somehow I see it ending up with Drew Carey on a rape stand.

While we’re on the topic of rape stands….couldn’t they think of a more appealing name? I know it’s used for a horrible purpose, but couldn’t you try to pretty it up a little bit? Clearly, the inventor of the rape stand was  not a marketing major. The name itself sounds like the least popular kiosk at the mall. No animal torturing apparatus should sound like it could be next to the Sunglass Hut and FYE.

3. Boston Red Sox
On August 31 (my birthday), MLB allows the Sox to sign Vick as their “all-time” pitcher. He pitches every inning of every game for them for the last month of the season, ruining any chance they had of winning a World Series and doing irreparable damage to his shoulder. As Derek Jeter and I watch the Yankees pound the Sox in the last game of the season behind the home plate at Fenway, laughing and smoking stogies, I wake up in my bed at home. For a few minutes I believe that it actually happened, and then resign myself to the fact that it didn’t and I’ll have to get up for work in about sixteen minutes.

2. Minnesota
The team, without telling Vick or Brett Favre, sign both men and introduce them both at the same press conference. When asked why they did this, coach Brad Childress says, “Because for some reason, your boy Coach Childress loves himself a good clusterfuck.” The Vikes introduce the new four quarterback system in which Favre, Vick, Sage Rosenfels, and Tarvaris Jackson all stand behind the line of scrimmage barking out plays at once to confuse the other team.

1. Washington
Fight for Old D.C.? More like Dog-Fight for Old D.C.!!! 

This is where Vick ends up. I’ll bet my house that I don’t own on it. Here’s why:

A) Management Hates Jason Campbell – Short of bringing in Y.A. Tittle for a tryout, the Skins did everything they could to replace Campbell this offseason.  Mark Sanchez, Jay Cutler, a Jugs machine…..they wanted him out. Maybe that’s Snyder and Cerrato, maybe that’s Zorn. Poor Jason. Well, at least they gave him a contract extension this past offseason. Wait, what’s that?

B) PETA Protesters Will Not Be a Factor – While there will be a very vocal uprising against Vick’s place in the league, D.C.’s black community will welcome Vick with open arms and drown out the protests, much like the way a significant number of Atlanta’s black population never turned on Vick despite the fact that he was and is a shitty player.

C) Snyder Gets a Chub-Rock for Big Names – If Joe Namath announced he was coming out retirement, no one would sign him. But Snyder would think about it.

So there you have it. My prediction is that Michael Vick – rumor has it he’s been spotted in the D.C. metropolitan area already – will be in burgundy and gold by early next week, if not sooner.  Michael Vick will be a Washington Redskin. This will be his chance to show the world that he can overcome his own moral flaws, a prison sentence, and the weight of the world coming down on him to rebound, persevere, and lead a team to anywhere from 6-9 wins.


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