Tonight, if you’re seeing Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at the Tyson’s Corner AMC, you may see a guy who looks like one of your favorite international funnymen. No need to do a double take as yes, it will be me. Now, while I will be accompanied by a special lady friend – your boy hasn’t rolled dolo to a movie since I snuck away from my Mom at age 1 to go see Ghostbusters – the fact is, it hardly does wonders for my reputation to be seen at a movie where the target audience is comprised of hardcore dorks and the people who those hardcore dorks beat up. Upon realizing that I was actually going to be sitting through this two and a half hour glaven-fest, I realized I needed to devise a procedure that would allow me to see the movie while maintaining the wealth of street cred I possess. Luckily, I’ve come up with some standards and practices that all you dudes watching Harry Potter can go by. Follow this guide, and you’ll be able to successfully preserve your masculinity while watching a movie about a teenage boy wizard. And so, without further adieu, I give you…..the candy lineup:
- Ask the dude at the ticket counter if the film has any nudity. When he says no, ask him for the best place around here to see magical boobies.
- Stare down the guy who rips your ticket. Furrow your brow and openly question his manhood. Ask him how much he benches. If he doesn’t look away, escalate it into a physical confrontation.
- Bring a ski mask to wear while entering and exiting the theater. If anyone questions you, casually state that you just got done robbing a bank and you figured you’d catch a movie.
- When the girl behind the concession stand ask what you’d like on top of your popcorn, ask, “Got any Creatine?”
- Make sure you take a girl with you. This is critical if you want to prove to all these strangers at the movies who you will never see again that you are a real man. If you’re not dating anyone, take a girl friend masquerading as your date, a guy friend wearing a wig and lipstick, or an elegant prostitute.
- When you take your seat, whip out your cell phone and immediately start having fake conversations about how far you can throw a football, and how big of a boner it gives you to fix cars. Subtly mention a threeway with the Olsen Twins, but don’t act like it was a big deal. If your girl objects, put your hand over the speaker and say, “Play your cards right and we’ll turn that love triangle into a sexy game of foursquare.” Before you start this make sure your phone is on silent.
- Ask the guy sitting behind you to spot you while you do lat pulldowns in the theater hallway. Once you both get out there, you can sheepishly admit to each other that you have no idea what a lat pulldown is, you just heard it one time while rubbing one out to Kiana’s Flex Appeal.
- Once the title card hits the screen, say, “Harry Potter? I thought this was a screening of Heat?!?” Once your girl calms you down and whispers for you to get back in your seat, wait a couple seconds and yell, “I’ll stay, but I’d like this a lot better if it was UFC!”
- Shake your head when Dumbledore appears, saying, “No. This is wrong. Obi Wan is dead.”
- Bring a baseball and two gloves. When the usher walks down the aisle with his flashlight, ask him if he wants to learn how to throw a curveball.
- As soon as Alan Rickman appears on screen, shout out, “Hans Gruber! From Die Hard!” Walk to the front of the theater and begin reenacting Die Hard by yourself. You may need to enlist the help of several friends to fill the roles of Carl Winslow, the FBI agents, and the “The Quarterback is Toast!” guy.
- When the Quidditch match starts up, stand up and say, “Nope, sorry. This is too much. Won’t stand for it.” Exit the theater, but make sure you can still see the screen while you wait outside so as not to miss any of the magical, captivating action.
- Should have mentioned this earlier: Before you leave the house, make sure you’ve completed everything on your pre-show checklist: 800 bicep curls? Check. Copy of Maxim rolled up and stuffed in the back pocket of your jeans? Check. Affliction shirt so small it would look tight on Peter Dinklage? Check.
- Upon seeing Ron Weasley, look back at the lat pulldown guy from before, smirk, and say, “Didn’t realize we were seeing an M. Night Shyamalan flick.” When he asks you what you mean, say, “You know, ’cause he looks like that chick Bryce Dallas Howard. M. Night put her in The Village and Lady in the Water. She was just in Terminator.” When the guy shakes his head as if he doesn’t understand, chuck some popcorn at him and say, “Whatever dude, you’re full of shit.”
- During the end credits, start a sarcastic slow clap while intoning sardonically, “Really? Really, Hollywood? That’s your idea of a good movie? Really?” Continue saying, “Really?” with a rising inflection as if you are asking a question until everyone leaves. Only when the theater has totally emptied may you begin to gently sob over Dumbledore’s untimely death.
Stay tuned for the next part in this series, entitled How To Rent Chronicles of Narnia From Blockbuster Without Coming Off Like a Giant Tool.