It’s now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series “But Could He Beat Chewbacca?” in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.
STRENGTHS: If last month’s Iranian presidential elections are any indication, legitimate results are hard to come by.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After challenging the incumbent, Chewbacca manages to defeat Ahmadinejad in a landslide. The press wonders how he overcame such widespread corruption, but Chewbacca explains all by showing off the arms of all the ayatollahs, which he had ripped out of their sockets.
JOINING A BOOK CLUB
STRENGTHS: Have you ever actually read a book? It’s the worst, man.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie meets with the Oakdale County Book Club at the Oakdale County Public Library. They meet every Tuesday at 7:30, where they discuss that week’s book and eat juice and cookies. The Club is made up of 11 housewives who are either middle-aged or approaching that territory. The first book? Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights. As a new member, Chewbacca is asked to speak first about the book.
“Well, the first thing I noticed was that Wuthering, that’s not even a real word,” says Chewbacca, thumbing through the pages of the book. “I mean, for a book that was published by Scholastic, and 320 pages long, authored by Emily Bronte, you’d think that they’d do a little better than that…..am I right, ladies?”
Book Club Vice President Regina Dickinson speaks up. “Mr. Chewbacca, did you read the book?”
Chewie laughs increduously. “Did…I…read…the…book? Are you serious? Why would I even be here….OF COURSE I read the book. Boy, you are a bunch of crazy dames, aren’t you? You’re just nutty, is what you are.” After several moments of silence, he slumps his shoulders and shakes his head. “Okay, fine. I didn’t read it. I just joined this group to see if I could parlay this into a 12-way.”
Soon after, Chewie runs out the library’s front door, with the ladies throwing several large books in his direction.
WINNING THE STANLEY CUP
STRENGTHS: As the hockey season is a wicked test of endurance for even the most well-conditioned athletes, the playoffs present an even more daunting task.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca is able to defeat the San Jose Sharks in the first round, but sadly falls to the Detroit Red Wings in Round 2, 4 games to 3.
WINNING AT TRIVIAL PURSUIT
STRENGTHS: Takes a fairly intelligent individual to win at this game.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After bursting into the house of some random family who lives across the street from him, Chewbacca is able to best his neighbors at Trivial Pursuit. Not because he came up with the most correct answers, but mainly because everyone was too scared to tell him that he was wrong when he answered every question with, “What is Cool Runnings?”
HOSTING HIS OWN LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW
STRENGTHS: One of the hardest feats to pull off in the entertainment business. Even though there are success stories like Conan O’Brien and David Letterman, there are just as many failures – see Chevy Chase and Dennis Miller for proof.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: With Han as his cohost and Luke as his band leader, ratings start off slow. However, he gains popularity with the onset of his new segment known as “Jawa Paternity Testing.”
CONSTANTLY LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP
STRENGTHS: This is one of those nutty, kooky things men do that drive women crazy!
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Not a problem for the Wookie, as he only goes to the bathroom outside, like any other wild beast.
PICKING FIRST IN THE NBA DRAFT
STRENGTHS: Picking players in the NBA Draft is hardly an exact science. While there are many sure things (Lebron James) there are just as many backfires (Michael Olowakandi, Kwame Brown).
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie shows up to the draft wearing a really nice white suit and a fedora. Han shows up wearing the same thing. They sit at the table of the Los Angelos Clippers, who hold the draft’s first pick. Several LA executives questioned why they showed up.
“Just let this happen,” says Chewie, “and marvel at how much we look like DeVito and Schwarzenegger from Twins.”
After hours of pouring over stats and data, the draft begins. Chewie walks to the podium, even though NBA commissioner David Stern usually announces the picks, and makes the following announcement.
“With the first pick in the NBA Draft, the Los Angelos Clippers select….my good friend, Greedo!”
Greedo excitedly hurries to the podium, hardly believing what has happened, until Chewie yells out, “SIKE! Man, we got you so good. Nah man, we’re going with Blake Griffin, from Oklahoma.”
“But Chewie,” says David Stern, frightfully approaching the space beast, “You have to go with whoever you said first. The rules are the rules.”
Despite this gaffe, Greedo goes on to average 13.6 points per game in his first season with the Clippers, and Chewbacca turns David Stern into his own personal ass hat.