Many of you heard Christian Bale’s outburst at a lighting guy on the set of Terminator: Salvation. It’s proof positive you can never predict what someone as volatile as Bale will do or say when agitated. In that same vein, I’ve actually acquired a transcript of Bale’s latest call to Verizon Wireless when he was having problems with his Internet connection:
Hello? My name is Christian Bale and….hello? Yes, my um Internet is not working properly. I can’t get online. Haven’t been able to do for days now. Sure….my account number is 41558509. Last four of my social is 2323. Christian Bale. Yes, I am that Christian Bale. Yes, I can hold……..(humming) honey, did you water the azaleas? They appear somewhat downtrodden. You didn’t? Oh, okay, well….I guess I will water them then.
(4 minutes later)
Yes? Hello? I am here. Yes, well, the problem is that my Internet….my wireless connection has not been working. I’m not sure what the problem is. Bale. Christian. Account number, which I already gave you, is 41558509. 2323. Okay. Um, yes, I can hold…..honey, can you take the trash out? No, I guess there is nothing stopping me. I guess I am just as close to the garbage can as you. You know what, how about I just do it? I don’t want to interrupt you from your…whatever you’re doing. I will get it; it is fine. Would you listen to the phone in case the Verizon lady gets back on? No, you can’t? Okay, well then……I guess I will just hope that her respite lasts for the duration of my trip to the garbage can.
(9 minutes later)
Hello? Thank you. It is fine. What’s that? Okay, I can do that. I mean, I already clicked diagnose and repair, but I will do it again. Okay….it says here that there may be a problem with my router. That’s what it says every time. I don’t really know what a router is. Okay….yeah, you don’t really need to explain it to me but….you don’t say…..that is really neat. Those are some neat facts about routers, but doesn’t it seem a tad unnecessary to tell me all…..hmm? Really? Is that right? I didn’t know that routers were invented in that year, or by that person. That is really something. Thank you for telling me that information. I’m sorry to ask you this, but is there anything you can do to help me with my wireless connection situation? What’s that? You need your supervisor? Yes, I can hold. I guess. I have an audition later today, but I’d like to – hello? Oh, she already put me on hold.
(22 minutes later)
Hello? Yep, I’m here. I have just spent the time browsing these Home and Garden periodicals. Um….no, it won’t be a problem for me to hold again. You’re welcome.
(35 minutes later)
Yes. Is this the supervisor? Nice to meet you. Thank you. Thank you for saying that, I really enjoyed playing Batman, so I’m glad my fans enjoyed it also. Um, I would give you an autograph but I’m not sure how I would send…..yeah? Okay, I can take down your address. You would like a picture? Okay, I guess I can do that. How many? 57? That seems like an awful lot of work, but I guess so. I beg your pardon? Oh….41558509. Last four of the social is 2323.
Okay. So I should unplug my router? What does it look like? Okay…..yep! You know what, yep, there is a box that looks just like that on my window sill. Okay, great! I am unplugging it. It is unplugged, now what? I wait for a minute, then turn it back on? Are you sure? How could that possibly fix it? Wait….oh, we have a connection! I am good to go. Yep, it is fixed. Wait a second….the red X came back. That didn’t seem to work at all. I’m not connected. Sir, you don’t seem to understand, your remedy did not solve my problem – oh wait, he hung up. Oh boy. Guess the last hour was a waste pretty much. Oh well. I guess I will call back…..redialing here……Yes? Hello, my name is Christian Bale and my internet – beg your pardon? Oh, yes. Michael Caine was an absolute treat to work with. Yes, I can hold.