This story nearly brought tears to my eyes. Cargo ship captain Richard Philips was rescued from the clutches of Somali pirates by a group of U.S. commandos on Easter Sunday. In an era when it’s way too popular to hate on the U.S. and its armed forces, this story, straight out of an action movie, makes me proud. You don’t get to hear about special forces giving some bad guys a Hall of Fame facial like this very often, so we should all relish the opportunity to celebrate this.
You never get to hear about stuff like this in the news. Seriously, how many stories on CNN end with something going down that could have happened in Lethal Weapon? During a filibuster on the floor of the Senate today, several Democrats and Republicans took a second out of their busy schedules to chase South African drug dealers down an LA freeway, eventually stopping them by shooting out their back tires.
This is a rare case when the U.S. gets to be the unequivocal hero. I’m sure these commandos do stuff like this all the time, but it’s usually clandestine. This creates two problems; A) they don’t get the recognition they deserve, and B) we never get to watch videos of them wasting foreign chumps. You know how many views you’d get for a video of commandos drilling pirates on YouTube? Set it to Papa Roach and you’ve got a viral hit on your hands. Call it the U.S. Commando Pwnage Compilation.
One of the issues has been what to do with the surviving pirates. Try them in America? Try them in Somalia?
Why not have them walk the plank?
This is a situation tailor made for a plank. How often do we as a society get to utilize the plank? Usually, making somebody walk the plank would be considered cruel and unusual. But the irony of these scumbags walking the plank is too delicious to pass up. Just have Obama make the announcement and everyone will be cool with it: “What’s everybody so upset about? They called themselves pirates. They knew that planks might be on the docket when they signed up for this life. That’s the risk you run as a pirate. Don’t matter if you’re a Somalian looking to ransack a cargo ship or Captain Hook.”