Offensive Metro Zingers

I’m waiting for the Metro the other night, and I see two groups talking to each other: one is a group of girls, mid 20’s, obviously dressed to go out. I would later find out they are from Buffalo. The other is another group in their mid 20’s, only this time they were dudes, overweight, and all in Caps jerseys.

Now, I’m a fan of social dynamics. I love watching how a group of people interact and determining what the make-up is, and the body language of this one was easy to interpret: the girls were all sitting on a bench, backs turned, leaning over their shoulders to talk to the dudes. The guys were all facing them, barking over their way, clearly desperate chumps.

I noticed them talk trash about the Caps and Sabres, and the girls point out they are from Buffalo. That’s when one of the Caps fans lets this one fly:

“Only terrorists crash planes around here baby!”

This was an obvious reference to the plane crash in Buffalo a couple months ago. Aside from being gloriously offensive (and not all that clever), here is my issue with the zinger: it makes it sound like you’re bragging about the terrorists who bombed the Pentagon. Within the insult, it’s almost like you’re taking the sports mindset and applying it to two unrelated plane crashes. “Yeah baby! The discouraged Saudi’s who wrecked the Pentagon are the best plane crashers on the East Coast! GO OVECHKIN!”

Applying the sports mentality to terrorists is dangerous. What’s the next step? Bragging about the fact that we have terrorists? “Buffalo sucks so bad, the only thing terrorists would fly a plane into is Niagra Falls, which is impossible given that it’s a body of water! CAPS ALL THE WAY.” There’s a lot of things to be proud of in D.C., but the quality of our terrorists is not one of them. I’d say Buffalo has a distinct advantage on D.C. in the category of “Possibility Our Entire City Gets Nuked Today.” Sure, they have no monuments to look at, but there’s also zero chance any of them are getting turned into Dr. Manhattan.

I’ve also never heard anyone insult the quality of a town’s pilots. Any airport or flying related insults seem seems like a weird area for sports fans to delve into. I’ve gotten into it with hundreds of Red Sox fans, and never once have I told them that the air traffic controllers at Logan were for shit. “Ortiz sucks, and so does the newstand right outside Terminal 42! They don’t even have Twix! What kind of communist organization doesn’t have Twix?!?!”

Once my train came, these guys got on the same car as I did. One of the dudes, who was looking spectacularly douchey with a Caps jersey over a shirt and tie, continued yelling back to one of the girls as people boarded the train. He got on at the last second and turned to his friend to say, “I know it’s wrong, but I tell you what, but I was into her.”

Oh really? Surprised you let the cat out of the bag! You mean to tell me that you don’t spend time passive-aggressively flirting with women on the Metro who you aren’t into? Of course she did it for you. She had a skirt and two legs. Don’t try to act like you wanting to spit mediocre at a game at her was some huge obstacle for you to overcome based on her being from Buffalo. “She’s funny, intelligent, charming, and gorgeous, but I mean…..she’s a Rockets fan. Can’t spend the rest of my life with someone like that, what if she develops a messed up eye like T-Mac? I can’t have my kids having messed up T-Mac eyes.” It’s funny when a dude spends the better part of ten minutes meekly complimenting a random stranger while trying to drum up interest in what he’s got to offer, and then leaves the interaction acting like he has the upper hand.

The best part of the story is the ending. A girl, also trashed, is sitting next to Tie and Jersey. They begin drunkenly flirting, muttering incoherently, sounding like two walruses in labor. At the next stop, she gets off and gives him her number. He starts celebrating and high-fiving all his buddies. He’s hooting and hollering, like he just won the NBA Finals. That’s when a girl across the aisle pipes up and says, “Um, she gave her number to a guy at the stop before you.”

Don’t worry about it, man. She was probably a Flyers fan anyway. And I bet the terrorists in Philadelphia suck.

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