The Ignorant Guy's DVD Review

Slumdog Millionaire, the underdog film that cleaned up at the Oscars this year, is out on DVD this week. Here to give us a rundown of the DVD is Understated Stupidity’s DVD reviewer, the Ignorant Guy. Take it away, Ignorant Guy:

Slumdog Millionaire impressed the hell out of the Academy voters. I have to say, it did not have the same effect on me.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s a compelling story on its own. Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy works his way up through Indian poverty to win a million dollars on a game show. It’s a story as old as time.

The problem is that as a sequel to Gandhi, it just doesn’t hold up.

For a movie that was a sequel to Gandhi, I didn’t hear one stinking reference to Gandhi. I understand that it took place in present day, and Gandhi died sixty years ago, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t have flashbacks like Godfather Part II. Maybe Ben Kingsley can’t reprise his role, but that doesn’t mean you can’t show a young Gandhi killing crime bosses as he rises to power. It just seemed like a glaring omission. Neither of the two brothers mentioned Gandhi once. I mean, weren’t they supposed to be his sons? They were, weren’t they?

Another major complaint I had: for a movie about India, I expected to see a lot more eight-armed elephants wearing ornate jewelry. I mean, there’s a picture of one on India’s state flag. Isn’t there?

Because it wasn’t a typical Hollywood movie with Hollywood actors, many of the foreign actors weren’t of top quality. For instance, the guy who played Regis. First of all, he made no attempt to look, talk, or act like Regis. Never talked about Kelly Ripa or his wife Joy. His biggest issue? How about that he was an Indian guy! Man alive! That’s like getting a black guy to play Daredevil’s archenemy, the Kingpin. No offense against Asian actors, but there’s not one I know of who could pull off a convincing Regis. I mean, with the possible exception of Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman’s Asian, right? He’s Laotian, isn’t he? Wasn’t he born in Laotia?

The title itself wasn’t believable. Slumdog Millionaire. Everyone knows that only poor people live in slums and that there are no poor people in India. How can Indians be poor when they’re all really good at math and fixing computers? If every single Indian guy has such a marketable skill, how could any of them ever need money? All Indians can fix computers, right? Seeing these two Indian boys cheat and steal to get by….I didn’t buy it at all. I just figured that every Indian man had the right to learn how to do physics and computer stuff. I mean, Gandhi fought for that right when he defeated King George III in a sword-fighting contest back in the olden times to win India’s independence. That happened, right? Isn’t that what happened? Wasn’t that the climactic scene of Gandhi, or am I thinking of Revenge of the Sith?

All in all, it was an entertaining fairy tale, but as a historical epic, Slumdog Millionaire falls flat. In no way, shape or form does it believably depict Indian culture. They just left out too much. Case in point: any tale of Indian history should have at least a passing mention of the Pilgrims. I mean, they did break bread at the very first Thanksgiving dinner. The Indians and the Pilgrims were the ones at the first Thanksgiving dinner, right? That happened, didn’t it? That was real life, right, not a comic book that I read, right?

Wait….was Gandhi at the first Thanksgiving?

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