I saw a guy in a trench coat at the Tyson’s Corner mall yesterday. You have to wonder why, in this day and age, anybody would rock the trench. You wear a trench coat, I’m expecting you to commit a crime or solve one.
Columbine may have happened ten years ago, but when I see anybody wearing one of these babies I check to see where the exits are. Even if you’re not a mass murderer, you give off a I’m-really-into-weird-kinds-of-anime-type vibe. Nobody wants to hang around a guy who likes to watch cartoons of ninja octopi doing battle. I’m not even sure if there’s ever been anime featuring an octopus doing ninja stuff, but you have to admit that considering anime’s track record, it’s not out of the realm of possibility.
If you don’t put out the serial murderer aura, then you look like you’re trying to be some kind of super detective. Who takes a leisurely stroll through the mall looking like they want to crack a case? You trying to hit up Macy’s and round up some clues? The rest of your family is waiting in line to see Monsters vs. Aliens while you’re trying to figure out a whodunit. You’re wife wants to sit in one of those massage chairs, but you can’t because you have to report back to the captain at the precinct. The point is that police investigation and the mall don’t go hand in hand. Nobody collects DNA evidence then hollers at a hot pretzel.
Maybe we should congratulate the trench coat guy. Taking an uncommon risk like this represents a bold fashion statement. Applaud him. He could take the boring route like everybody else, but he decided to embrace the Klebold/Harris/Columbo chic.
P.S. I did a Google Image Search for a picture of Columbo, and I was shocked to find that there was a website called Columbo Mania. The site was entirely in Spanish, so we can deduce that one man or woman in the Latin American world apparently gets manic over solid detective work, guys who pretend to be dumb when they’re actually smart, trench coats, and glass eyes.