I Thought We Were Calling It 4 Fast 4 Furious

What follows is a memo sent to a studio executive from the offices of one Mr. Vin Diesel:

I sat down for my nightly ritual of reading the New Yorker and when I got to the Entertainment section, I just about spit up my Proscecco. Under a preview for a film I had just completed, I saw the title was Fast and Furious.

I thought we were calling it 4 Fast 4 Furious.

Calling it Fast and Furious does not make sense. Paul Walker and I already appeared together in a film entitled The Fast and the Furious. Removing the word the from the equation may be confusing to the masses, who may think it’s simply a rerelease when it is actually an entirely new picture. Worse yet, they may think we are remaking it.

After the sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious, I agreed to return to the series, provided that the next picture in the series was called 3 Fast 3 Furious in order to ensure continuity. When the producers opted to change the title, I walked and was replaced by Lil Bow Wow. When they approached me about another sequel, I agreed under the condition that we return to the Number Fast, Number Furious title scheme, and they said yes.

American playwright Steven Dietz said it best: “Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.” Apparently, I was double-crossed after filming wrapped.

I guess I was strung along under false pretenses. Throughout the entire shoot, the director assured me that the movie was called 4 Fast, 4 Furious. I was given swag with that name stenciled on it – t-shirts, director’s chairs, sweatshirts, bumper stickers. I gave my Dad a 4 Fast, 4 Furious fanny pack for his birthday last week. Now I feel like an utter buffoon!

Now, am I still glad I made the movie? Indubitably. Appearing in a movie w ith Paul Walker makes me look like Brando. He could be a shoe in the Netherlands, he’s that wooden. The title itself is what bothers me. How is the moviegoing audience going to know that this is the fourth movie in the series? We have to give them some kind of cue!

Fast and Furious is an absolutely insipid title. Here are some better ideas we could use:

* The Fast and the Furious, Episode 4: A New Hope

* The Fastest and the Most Furious

* The Faster They Get, The More Furious We Become

* Fast Times at Furiousmont High

* Being Fast Goes Hand in Hand with Being Furious

* Vin Diesel and the Desperate Grasp for Relevancy

* The Fast and the Furious Are Back For a Fourth Installment

* I Got a 90 in Gym, So I’m Clearly Fast, and I Also Have Anger Management Issues, So I’m Fairly Furious

Fast and Furious is an absolute travesty, I tell you. I haven’t been this disgusted since the producers behind The Chronicles of Riddick switched from the original title, Super Terrific Happy Fun Necromonger Hour.


2 thoughts on “I Thought We Were Calling It 4 Fast 4 Furious

  1. Pingback: The Eltringham Complaint Letters, Pt. 2 « Mike Eltringham

  2. Pingback: The Best of Understated Stupidity « Mike Eltringham

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