Today is my brother Jim’s birthday. He’s one of the best guys I know. Here’s my favorite Jim story: when I first started writing comedy, I would send my jokes over IM to a select few of my buddies. Most of them would tell me everything I said was pretty funny. Not Jim. If he didn’t like an idea, he let me know. One time, after vetoing a joke idea, he explained to me why he did this:
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have to be honest with you. I don’t want my kid brother going on stage with nothing but his dick in his hand.
Ultimately, everybody needs that in their life – someone who you know is in your corner, but isn’t afraid to tell you like it is. If that same person drops a Sonny Corleone quote in the process, hold onto their counsel like grim death. Jim, like me, is a huge Star Wars fan, so what do you say we fire up a But Could He Beat Chewbacca in his honor? Let’s do it:
STRENGTHS: Not many. It’s hard for anyone to screw up this classic dessert item.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: As Chewie slaves over a hot oven trying to make a German chocolate cake for Han’s birthday, he looks on in horror as the cake turns into a lumpy mess.
“Yo!” says Chewie to Luke, who was helping him in the kitchen, “Did you put enough eggs in the batter?”
Luke furrows his brow. “Batter? I thought those were for the birthday omelettes you wanted me to make.”
“I never said anything about birthday omelettes!” screams Chewie.
“Yeah? Well that’s too bad, ’cause these birthday omelettes are going to be good as shit.”
Chewie frantically heads over to Baskin Robbins to pick up a Cookie Puss, Han’s favorite. He’s shocked to find the ghostly form of Ben Kenobi behind the counter waiting on him.
Ben smiles at him as they complete the transaction. “$11 is your change, and I did not rub my balls on your cake. Have a good day!”
“Wait, what?” says Chewie. “What did you say about rubbing your balls on my cake?”
Obi Wan wags a finger at the Wookie. “Ah, correction – I said that I did not rub my balls on your cake!”
“But uh,” says Chewie, at a loss for words. “The thing is, the mere fact that you would say that makes me think you did.”
“Oh?” says Kenobi. “How so?”
“Well, why else would you make that statement? It just seems like that’s the kind of thing you would go out of your way to say only if you actually did rub your balls on my cake. I don’t know if I can trust you after you said that.”
“Well,” says Obi Wan, taking his ghost-shirt off as he walks into a back room, “Guess you’ll have to trust in the Force then!”
Chewie races through rush hour traffic to get home to Han’s party. On the way home, he encounters 8 wampas, an angry motorist he cut off, three Gammorrean guards, that little guy who lived on Jabba’s shoulder, and an angry bear that mistakes the Wookie for another bear that owes him money. Finally, he shows up for the party and slaps the cake in front of Han while all their friends look on in party hats.
“Happy birthday buddy,” says Chewie, out of breath.
Han smiles and rubs his hands together. “Aw man, Cookie Puss!” he exclaims. “My favorite!” He eagerly shovels a forkful down his gullet. After about thirty seconds he pauses and makes a face. “Ugh!” he yells. “This tastes like….Obi Wan Kenobi’s balls!”
Everyone goes quiet and looks at Chewie. Leia breaks the silence when she asks, “Wait a minute, how do you know what his balls taste like?”
More silence. Before Han or anyone else can react, Luke bursts through the kitchen door carrying a frying pan.
“Allright bitches,” says Luke. “Get ready to suck omelette!”
STRENGTHS: Former New York Yankee great. The greatest defensive first baseman of all-time and a sure-fire Hall of Famer if he hadn’t injured his back.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Donnie straight up whips Chewbacca, who has to tap out about five minutes into the fight. Chewbacca does achieve a moral victory when he’s able to coax Donnie into giving him a free lesson on how to make love to a woman.
COMING ACROSS A COPY OF VECTOR PRIME IN THE BOOKSTORE
STRENGTHS: Vector Prime is a Star Wars novel that takes place 25 years after the events of the films. It’s controversial among Star Wars fans because it features the death of a major character…Chewbacca.
STRENGTHS: We join Chewie and Han in the middle of their usual Sunday routine of shaking down nerds in the SciFi section of Borders for their money.
“You sure this is kosher?” says Chewie, counting out a stack of singles. “It feels wrong.”
Han twists his boot in a nerd’s face while he counts out a bag of pocket change. “Down economy, bro…..we gotta survive. What is this, a Chuck E. Cheese token? What is this shit, Byron? Go clean off your Mom’s dresser than come back to me.”
Chewie stops counting money when he sees a copy of Vector Prime on a bookshelf. He flips through to the end, and his eyes well up with tears. After Chewie explains that he read about his own death, they both spend a few minutes crying, fly out to LA to find the guy who wrote the book, beat the shit out of him, then come back to Borders to look at the romance novels and snicker.
HELPING IMPROVE THE ECONOMY
STRENGTHS: A very difficult task, one which falls in the laps of every American to do their part.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Luckily, Chewie is able to help the problem directly, as President Obama’s stimulus package includes a government funded program where Chewbacca is called on to shit on bags filled with taxpayer money. When asked what possible purpose this program could serve, Obama said, “I won, so what does it matter?”
DEBATING LANDO ON THE MERITS OF SPACE-AFFIRMATIVE ACTION
STRENGTHS: Affirmative action is a hot button topic in our modern society; one would think that it is also a sensitive topic in space.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Lando’s argument: “The simple fact that as space-minorities, we are less likely to earn as many space-bucks as space-whites for doing the same work.” Chewie counters with, “I don’t know what it’s like to be a a space-African American, but I am basically what amounts to being an 8 foot tall Saint Bernard, so I’ve seen my fair share of space-discrimination.” After the debate, the two old friends shake hands, despite their differences, and comb the space-night clubs for space-poon.
SPLITTING THE CHECK FOR CHEWIE’S BIRTHDAY DINNER
STRENGTHS: This can be a complicated task when you’re talking about larger parties.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and fourteen of his closest friends all go out for dinner and drinks at the Tatooine Cheesecake Factory. The night is full of old stories and laughs; it really is a great time. At the end of the night, the bill comes and it is huge – 8 hundo. Chewie slips away to go to the bathroom, and one by one, his friends follow him. After about ten minutes, the table is empty, save for Greedo, who is mindlessly doodling on a napkin.
“Excuse me, sir?” says the waiter. “I need the money for that check now. Oh, and you also received a telegram from a man named Chewbacca. I’ll read it to you….Hey there jerk off STOP, good luck footing the bill STOP, you’ll be washing dishes until next Wednesday STOP, U R gay STOP.”
Greedo dejectedly goes over the bill, line by line. As he does, Luke comes out of the kitchen. He wears a chef’s hat and carries a frying pan.
“Cheer up, man! Try one of my omelettes!”
“Okay,” says Greedo. “Thanks Luke, this looks delicious. I could use a good omelette right now. I truly cherish your friendship. ”
Luke stands there as Greedo devours it. When he’s finished, Luke laughs in his face. “Dude, I can’t believe you ate that whole thing!”
Greedo drops his fork, frozen in horror. “Why?”
“Because after I made it, Obi-Wan rubbed his balls on it!”