Kickboxing or Boxkicking?

I’m chilling at an open mic talking to a buddy of mine last week. I can’t remember how we got to this point, but he casually mentions the fact that he kickboxes.That’s the kind of revelation that alters the dynamic of a friendship.

If someone tells you they kickbox, you immediately gain respect for them that you might not have had before. I now know that any dispute I might have with this guy in the future has the potential to end with me getting kicked in the face. “Hey man, did you steal my Pop Tarts? ‘Cause if you did, that’s a roundhouse. Nothing personal, but that’s my standard punishment for pop tart theft.

I don’t really understand kickboxing. It seems like boxing on its own is a perfectly good way to beat the hell out of somebody. Who saw two boxers beating the shit out of each other and thought, “Hmm. Needs more feet.”

I should have asked him what aspect of kickboxing do kickboxers focus more on: the kicking or the boxing? Are kickboxers just guys who could kick really well who wanted to take up boxing, or boxers who thought felt like they should give kicking a shot? If it’s the second case, why didn’t they just try out for the NFL as placekickers? The money’s better, and hardly any NFL kickers have had their faces destroyed in highly illegal, underground tournaments.

The name itself makes me think of two guys crabwalking around a ring with boxing gloves on their feet, desperately trying to maintain their balance with their arms while they kick the hell out of each other.

Beyond participating in the sport of kickboxing, there is no practical use in society for kickboxing. What are the chances that you and your boys are going to end up in a barfight with Jean Claude Van Damme? Or that Chuck Norris is going to rudely bump into you in line at the bank and not apologize? I bet a lot more people could kick Chuck Norris’s ass than you think. He has to be at least 65. If you put me into a kickboxing match with Chuck Norris, I guarantee I could hang. Maybe he wins in the long run, but I promise you it will be on points. I could see him getting in a few lucky kicks to my face, but I doubt he could totally withstand my foolproof fighting strategy of grabbing his arms while punching him in the back.

Despite my doubts, my buddy kept trying to convince me how hard it was. “Kickboxing is no joke, man. My last kickboxing instructor had his jaw broken three times.” I got what he was trying to say: kickboxing is tough, and you have to be tough to do it. But I think the point he’s missing out on here is this: are you sure that’s the guy you want teaching you how to kickbox? If he’s getting his jaw busted up on the regular, what is his curriculum going to consist of? “Today’s kickboxing lesson: how to eat applesauce through a straw. Come back tomorrow for a lecture on filling out hospital paperwork.”

All I’m saying is, you’re not winning the Kumite with that guy in your corner.


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