What’s up Reginald? You fat, piano-playing idea thief. I wonder how easy it is for you to sleep at night, knowing that as a bloated, overrated singer, you cruise around the blogosphere, looking for creative blogs to ransack your ideas from? How does that make you feel, knowing that you stand to profit off a young comic’s ideas? Like you need the money. You’ll probably use it to buy more hair dye.
I should probably explain what this is all about.
Elton John’s production company is financing a film called Pride and Predator. Here’s producer David Furnish’s description of the plot:
“It felt like a fresh and funny way to blow apart the done-to-death Jane Austen genre by literally dropping this alien into the middle of a costume drama, where he stalks and slashes to horrific effect.”
Basically, the movie is going to be about what would happen if you dropped a predator into the middle of a Jane Austen story. From what I could glean, it’s going to be an ironic horror film with it’s tongue placed firmly in cheek.
Sound far-fetched? Ridiculous? A hilariously awful idea that makes a funnier premise than it would an actual movie?
It is all those things. Especially when I came up with it.
In a post dated January 10, 2008, I wrote a recap of movies that I dreamt I saw. The premise was that I didn’t see any of these movies, but I wrote a description of them based on dreams I had about them. Read it here. I’d like to bring to the court’s attention my final entry for the Alien vs. Predator sequel that came out last December:
I came into this thinking it was going to be an action horror piece of garbage with no plot, character development, or sense of danger that the original versions inspired. And while it was nothing like the movies it was based on, what I got was an intelligent period drama set in Victorian England. The Predators and Aliens are at war in merry old London, but that doesn’t stop the gentlemanly but poor William Billingsley Predator from trying to woo his lady love, the kind-hearted and pure Ms. Emily Alien. They are two different worlds – one from a family of lower class cobblers, the other from a line of well-to-do nobility, but their passion for each other cannot be denied. It’s a love story told over fifty years, and the aging effects they used to make the Alien look like a little old lady alien were incredible. Also, big ups to Anthony Hopkins, who shines here as the Predator’s butler. He was especially good in that scene where he bangs a pie, which was obviously a metaphor for the Predator’s lost innocence. What an enchanting film; four star-thumbs way up. It’s nice to know that in this age of remakes and sequels, the studios can still churn out something as charming and gripping as a Jane Austen knockoff starring Aliens and Predators.
I can’t wait for Elton’s next big production in 2015, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? The Movie. The thing that gets me about this is that not only did they steal my idea, but they watered it down so it wasn’t as funny. Think about it: their movie is going to be predators killing English people from a long time ago. How much funnier would it be to see a Romeo and Juliet type love story between a predator and an alien? You wouldn’t shell out $10 for that? Take what I give you, Hollywood. It’s better than anything you could come up with.
Looking at this logically, and drawing the conclusion that my idea was definitely stolen, I think one of two things happened:
1) Some intern in LA happened across my blog and plucked my idea right from the Internet, or
2) Elton John happened across my blog and plucked my idea right from the Internet
I’m going with Option 2. Based on that, I think there’s only one clear way to settle this. I’m using this forum to publicly challenge Elton John to a boxing match. 12 rounds, no rules. Accept my challenge and I am going to pound you so completely that your face will resemble what your career became in the ’80’s, pre-Lion King.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some portly entertainer steal my thunder. Predator meets Jane Austen is my idea, and I’m willing to bob, weave, and jab to defend its honor. Oh, and by the way, I’m coming out with my own album this year, featuring songs like There’s Something About the Way My Fist Hits Your Jaw Tonight, Rocket Bitch, A Candle In Your Eyesocket, Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting (that one was fine on its own), Bennie and the Forearm Smashes To Your Temple, and finally, The Bitch Is Back (If By Bitch You Mean My Foot, and When You Say Back the Location You Are Referring to Is Your Ass).
Here are the stakes, Elton: I win, I get 100% of the gross profits from the film. You win, and I’ll donate some money to one of your charities you probably know nothing about. If you back down, I’ll continually find ways to challenge you in public forums ala Mr. T in Rocky III. Don’t worry; you can wear a t-shirt during the fight so no one can see your pudgy mid-section, you tub of goo.
Step up to the plate, EJ. The challenge is out there. There’s no way we can’t settle this like reasonable men by fighting each other in a boxing ring even though neither of us have ever boxed and you’re a fat old man.