Basically, ARod is the Anti-Christ

Mike Lupica, the shrimpy columnist for the New York Daily News, is very good at yelling very loudly so everyone will think he’s a big boy. After Alex Rodriguez called a press conference last week to publicly address his steroid usage, Lupica proclaimed that Rodriguez needed to be injected with a “truth serum.” Today, this sanctimonious little muffin, barely qualifying as a real man, weighs in with a guest blog further talking about ARod.

What makes the sad case of Alex Rodriguez even sadder is that he has shirked his responsibilities. As a star baseball player, Rodriguez has an obligation to the media to tell the truth at all times. If he doesn’t, he deserves to be barbecued publicly by flawless sportswriters such as myself. Let me give you an example of the web of lies ARoid has weaved: when I was going through Alex’s garbage back in early January, he came outside to assault me with a bat. Before he could raise his arms to swing, I told him I was Mike Lupica. After some light small talk, I casually inquired whether or not he liked the film Slumdog Millionaire, which I had just seen with my wife who probably cheats on me with real men. ARod said, “Yeah…it was good.”

If the children’s nursery rhyme were true, the man’s pants would have been aflame.

I did some digging. I broke into his house and went to his bedroom. After I sniffed his boxers for thirty minutes, wishing I could be him or be with him, I found a ticket stub from the Regal Cinemas South Beach 18 in Miami, Florida. It was for a 7:45 showing of Slumdog Millionaire on January 5th, 2009. I traveled to the theater and grilled every employee there as to whether or not they knew if ARod had actually liked the movie. Finally, after waterboarding a 15 year old usher named Lewis, I found out the truth. After the film, ARod disposed of a medium Coke in a nearby trash bin, shrugged, and loudly proclaimed, “It was okay, I guess. I don’t know….I’d have to see it again.”

Geez, Alex. Guess you were too busy having sex with Madonna to tell me the truth.

This is just another in a long string of lies for Rodriguez. Therein lies the problem: it’s not that Rodriguez is a liar. It’s that he lies to the media. If you want to go cheat on your wife and lie to her about it, fine. If you want to do steroids and tell your fans you’re clean, that’s great. But don’t you dare lie to the media. We are the only reason anyone knows your name. All you do is hit a ball. It’s up to me to write 1,000 words about it and make it look pretty. If it wasn’t for me, no one would know your name.

One of my all-time favorite athletes to cover? Patrick Ewing. When Ewing got caught up in the Gold Club scandal, a lot of people wondered if he cheated on his wife. He told everyone that he did not. But he pulled me aside at a press conference and said, “Lupe – between you, me, and this giant microphone used for press conferences, I cheated on my wife like 90 times.” I smiled and nodded knowingly. Patrick knew what was up. I got a ladder, climbed up it, and jumped as high as I could off of it in order to high five him.

Michael Vick? Dog killer. Not that big a deal. Lying about it? Eh. Lying to the media about killing dogs? A problem. If he made a public denial, then showed up at my door step with a couple of german shepherds and a rape stand for a night of dog killing fun with the Lupmeister, I wouldn’t have treated the guy like such a punk. Unfortunately for Mr. Vick, being the incredibly handsome bad boy that he is won’t save him from being taken to task in my column. And let me tell you, he is handsome.

We, the writers and broadcasters, know A-Rod is a bad person. All you athletes are. As superior people, it is easy for us to spot a morally inferior being. One of my favorite hobbies is to sit with my friends Bob Costas and Joe Buck at a high school basketball game and ridicule all the idiotic, puerile athletes. We, the media, are the chosen ones who realize that those who play sports are imperfect, unlike us. We love to pass judgement on these morons, their sweaty bodies glistening in the moonlight. Wait a second…what did I just say? I meant to say A-Rod is a jerk.

The bottom line is, A-Rod deserves to be tarred and feathered in a public square on a weekly basis. When he’s not at the park playing baseball, he should be kept in a cage. That lying snake in the grass should live in constant shame! He embarrassed the sport, himself, his team, and most importantly, he disrespected the media! Unforgivable! For using steroids, and then not admitting it immediately to me, he deserves a fate worse than Christ! And I would demand that he be banished from the sport forever if I didn’t secretly want him inside me.

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