It’s now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series “But Could He Beat Chewbacca?” in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.
THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER
STRENGTHS: As the tournament’s exposure has grown, it’s become increasingly difficult for even the world’s best players to win due to an oversaturated field.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca gambles and bluffs his way to the final table, but his ousted on the final hand when a 19 year old online player goes all-in on a pair of deuces and lucks out with three of a kind on the river. The crowd erupts as this unproven young talent has beaten a seasoned veteran. Chewie, outraged at being bested by a hackish and amateur move, lectures the kid and the assembled crowd on the evils of gambling and avarice. When everyone bows their heads in shame, Chewie and Han grab the prize money, hastily shove it in their pants, and make a break for the door.
SETTLING DOWN WITH A 9-5 GIG
STRENGTHS: While an everyday job often provides stability, good pay, and health benefits, it can wear on your soul.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie happily sells insurance for two weeks, but he’s tempted back into his old life as a smuggler when new hire and mortal enemy Boba Fett moves into the cubicle next to him.
COACH MIKE KRYZEWSKI
STRENGTHS: One of the best college basketball coaches of all time.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Coach K’s Duke Blue Devils take on Chewie’s rag-tag group of misfits: Luke, Lando, Han, Wedge, and Greedo. Right away, you can tell Chewie’s squad is overmatched. Han can’t shoot. Lando’s a ball hog and keeps trying to pull off moves like he’s on the And 1 tour. Luke, who’s never played before, shows up wearing jeans. It’s a mess. Fortunately, Chewie has a package of individually wrapped slices of American Cheese in his bag. He dangles this in front of the Duke bench, and the rat-like Coach K cannot resist. Distracted, Duke loses to Chewie’s All Stars 104-78.
STRENGTHS: One of the best baseball players on Earth. Also a former steroid user.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After hearing that A-Rod took steroids from 2001-2003, Chewbacca envisions him as a roided-up freak of nature. He shows up for their fight at Yankees Spring Training camp hulked up on gamma rays. The Incredible Chewbacca grows to four times the size of normal Chewbacca, and easily whips A-Rod into submission. After the brawl he returns to his normal size and walks down a highway by himself while sad music plays.
GETTING A HOLE IN ONE
STRENGTHS: A feat that takes a combination of equal parts luck and skill, many amazingly talented golfers go their whole lives without accomplishing this elusive feat.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: On the first hole of 18, Chewie crushes a fattie off the tee for a hole in one on a par 4. Once he’s gotten that out of the way, he uses the rest of the round to casually joke with Luke and Lando, and also to get advice from Admiral Ackbar on how to invest his 401k.
STRENGTHS: Takes patience and meditation to master.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie lazily wipes the sleep from his eyes as he shows up at the YMCA at 4:00 AM for class. As he waits outside Greedo, the yoga instructor, pulls up in his VW Bug.
“Chewie!” yells Greedo, wearing a headband, leg-warmers, and a spandex body-suit. “I’m super-excited you came out today. I really think you’re going to love all the flexibility and peace of mind that yoga provides you with.”
“Yeah well,” says Chewie, “My wife said she wouldn’t sleep me with until I did it, so let’s just get this over with. Where’s the rest of the class?”
“Oh, they’re not here yet,” says Greedo, beginning to stretch. “I wanted you to come early to stretch because you’re so far behind everyone else. Class doesn’t begin until 6AM.”
Chewie looks at Greedo for a second, then at the YMCA doors, then back at Greedo. Finally, he says, “So do you want me to shove you in that trash can over there, or do you want to make this easy on us both and just get in yourself?”
Greedo gulps. “You know what, let me go ahead and climb in there. Thank you for giving me the option this time,” he says as he lifts the lid off of the rancid garbage container.
“Not a problem. Hey, you want something from Starbucks? I need to grab some coffee to pour on your head.”