I Have a Particular Set of Skills

Hello. I am Liam Neeson’s character from the movie Taken. In the film, kidnappers take my daughter. This is an open letter to these kidnappers. You must understand this: I have a particular set of skills, and I will use them on you if you do not give me my daughter back.

Seriously, I’m not sure you get what I’m saying to you: luckily, this particular set of skills I have acquired over the years is tailor made to remedy this situation I’m in. I had a particular set of mentors who gave me a particular set of training exercises teaching me how to fight guys like you.

Let me tell you a little bit about what my day entails. I wake up, brush my teeth, and fill a particular set of bowls with Honey Nut Cheerios. Then I get a particular set of 2% milk and pour it into a particular set of bowls I have set aside to fill with cereal. I then chow down. After that, I watch a particular set of Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 for twenty or so minutes before it’s off to work.

When I get to work, I stand by a particular set of coffee machines while I talk to a particular set of coworkers about what happened the night before on Lost. Then, my secretary Tischa walks by, and we all remark how we’d like to get to know her particular set of you-know-whats a little better. Then, after a particular set of Danishes are doled out amongst me and the rest of my section, it’s off to my desk for a particular set of work for the day.

Once I sit down at my desk, I go over a particular set of routines to deal with kidnappings. A particular set of procedures, a particular set of guidelines, and a particular set of by-laws. It’s a lot of beaureaucratic mumbo-jumbo, but it’s a particular set of the job. I then take a particular set of naps, but I prop my head up on a particular set of binders so my boss will think I am busy. It is a particular set of genius, I tell you. By 12:30, my boss thinks I’ve gotten a lot of work done, and I’m off to grub on a particular set of Big Macs at the Mickey D’s down the street, for real.

My point is, my whole day is dedicated to bringing down a particular set of scumbags like you. It would be one thing if I had a particular set of half-ass experiences on the job, but I am 100% dedicated. In fact, several years ago a particular set of my friends offered me a gig selling car insurance at a great company with a particular set of amazing benefits including health, dental, and a particular set of two weeks vacation. But I told him no, because this job is the particular set of perfect duties for me. I couldn’t imagine myself doing a particular set of any other jobs.

You may wonder if someone like me, so committed to his work, may be too tightly wound to find kidnappers. Perhaps you think I’m in too deep, and I won’t be able to see the situation clearly. You are wrong. Although I spend a particular set of time stopping kidnappings, I find time to relax on the weekends by playing with my band, A Particular Set of Instruments. We are mostly a Van Halen cover band, playing a particular set of their songs from the Lee Roth era. When I am on stage, I feel a particular set of positive emotions flowing through me as I play a particular set of “Why Can’t This Be Love.”

All this resolving of hostage situations can wear on you at times. Sometimes, I sit in a particular set of coffee shops and daydream about heading for a particular set of the hills and just retiring up there with my wife, or whomever. I don’t know my romantic situation as I haven’t seen the movie. Maybe have a particular set of kids, a particular set of dogs, and maybe a particular set of white picket fences. But then I snap out of the particular set of daytime reveries I’m having when I see a particular set of thugs kidnapping a particular set of damsels in distress, right there in broad daylight. I mean, I can’t just sit there and do nothing. I am Liam Neeson.

In short, I urge you to come to a particular set of your senses and give me my daughter back. I hate seeing people separated from a particular set of people they love. For instance, the other day my friend Manny and I were having a particular set of discussions in the park about football. A group of 20 or so couples walked by us, gossiping about all the other people in the park. They sounded like they thought everyone they met was beneath them. Manny turned to me and said, “Man, never have I seen such a particular set of particular sets.”

You think about that, hostage takers, next time you steal someone’s loved one. And if you don’t think about it, you’re going to have a particular set of Liam Neeson’s boots up your ass.


4 thoughts on “I Have a Particular Set of Skills

  1. Pingback: I Have a Particular Set of Wolf Fighting Skills « Mike James

  2. Pingback: What is a Particular Set of the Deal With Airplane Peanuts? | Mike Eltringham

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