It’s now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series “But Could He Beat Chewbacca?”, in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.
KING KONG BUNDY
STRENGTHS: Bundy, who feuded with Hulk Hogan in the 1980’s, was one of the largest and most feared pro wrestlers of all time.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Han stand in a boxing ring, waiting for Bundy to show up for their scheduled fight. “This piece of trash is yours!” says Han as he slaps Chewie in the face to get him psyched. The gym door opens, and in walks Bundy with his son. He’s now in his mid 50’s, wears a tattered gray sweatsuit, and is well over 500 pounds of pure fat.
“Hey guys,” says Bundy, breathing loudly. “Sorry, I’m late. Hit some traffic.”
Chewie and Han see this pathetic, washed-up soul and start to tear up. Embarrassing an over-the-hill wrestler in front of his son is too much. There is no way they can unleash a Wookie beating on this sad sack in good conscience.
“Hey,” says Chewie, “My uh…my leg hurts, so the fight is cancelled. We’ll still pay you. In fact, just for coming out, we’ll increase your payout by 20%.”
King Kong’s face lights up. “Wow! Thanks! You know, with today’s economy, I could really use the help.”
“No problem, buddy,” says Han. “Tell you what: why don’t you let me and Chewie take you out to dinner…you know, you and your son.”
Suddenly, a confused look crosses Bundy’s face. “What? That’s not my son. It’s a midget I bought on the Internet.”
STRENGTHS: The hardest form of entertainment to master.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After years of middling success using material culled from the everday life of an average Wookie male, he finally gains mainstream success across the galaxy when he adopts a Southern drawl while he performs the character of “Chewie, the Apprentice Electrician.”
STRENGTHS: A very difficult and frustrating task to teach an animal.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han, Luke, and Chewie are casually talking in the kitchen one day when they realize that Chewbacca has relieved himself where he stood. What’s more, he continues to act normal, as if nothing is wrong. That’s when they both realize that he’s technically an animal and just goes to the bathroom wherever. After a grueling six week training program involving lots of old newspaper and admonishment, Chewbacca finally gets his elusive medallion as well as a standing O from the Rebel Alliance for using the toilet.
PICKING THE SUPERBOWL
STRENGTHS: If the New York Giants historic upset of the New England Patriots last year is any indication, football is an impossible game to predict.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Before the game, Chewie, about 2 boxes of wine in, predicts that he will eat 400 wings. Everybody laughs, figuring that it’s just the box of wine he chugged talking. But when a Wings2Go deliveryman shows up with two vans full of wings, everyone goes quiet and realizes he was serious. After consuming the wings, he is taken to the hospital for severe indigestion.
DEFENDING ROD BLAGOJEVICH
STRENGTHS: Almost impossible due to the fact there are multiple tapes in which the former Illinois governor implicates himself.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Greedo agree to debate the issue in a local auditorium for college students as a favor to Admiral Ackbar, who’s teaching a poli-sci course at Mon Calamari Community College. In his opening statement, Greedo rips into the governor and delivers a perfect five minute speech stating the case against Blagojevich. When it’s Chewie’s turn to speak, he directs the students’ attention to a Powerpoint presentation he prepared. After several slides containing nothing but pictures of Blagojevich and the state of Illinois, the final slide is an animated GIF featuring Greedo doing it with Blagojevich. Underneath the image are the words “U R Gay.”
MAINTAINING A POPULAR BLOG
STRENGTHS: As someone who knows from experience, I can tell you it’s no small feat.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Inexplicably, Chewie scores 10,000 hits daily with his popular blog RottingHunksofBeef.blogspot.com, where he posts pictures of rotting hunks of beef that he finds. You know, like the one that sprang the Ewok booby trap in Return of the Jedi.
NOT LIKING THE SHOW GREY’S ANATOMY
STRENGTHS: Despite his gruff exterior, Chewie really enjoys the show.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After telling Han and Lando that he had a dream about an episode of Grey’s where Dr. McDreamy has sex with a pie, he is ridiculed to referring to the actor as “McDreamy.” Out of sheer anger and embarrassment, Chewie then storms to Hollywood and beats the hell out of actor Patrick Dempsey. Dempsey is so badly hurt that he must be written out of the show for a season. Although he gets dap from Lando and Han, the beating leaves a profound bruise on Chewbacca’s psyche as he descends into a whirlpool of despair; he’s like Okonkwo after he killed Ikemefuna.