At approximately 3:30AM, two San Francisco police officers on their nightly patrol noticed a rather haggard man passed out in a gutter at the top of the city’s famous Telegraph Hill.
“We shined a flashlight in his eyes, but he wasn’t moving,” said Officer Doug Pederson. “He looked like he hadn’t shaved or washed in days. He smelled like a mixture of pee and despair. Once we saw that he was breathing, we figured he was some bum, passed out. I prodded him with my billy club for about ten seconds. When he wouldn’t move, I kicked him in the ribs, pretty hard.”
Astley proceeded to turn over and flop into the street, groaning and rubbing his belly. The officer then kicked him several more times, causing him to roll through the street and onto the opposite sidewalk. The officers were shocked once they checked his identification.
“I couldn’t believe it was him,” said Officer Todd Duke, also on the scene. “Tainted Love was one of my favorite songs back in the day. He got pretty mad at us for waking him up, though. Once he came to, he kept yelling at us, saying, ‘Do you know who I am? I sang King of Wishful Thinking!'”
Duke then scratched his head. “I didn’t say anything at the time, but I’m almost positive that was Go West.”
According to the officers, once they let Astley go on his way, the Rickroll was not complete. Astley informed them that he planned to go get a taquito from the 7-11 at the bottom of the hill. Clearly still intoxicated, he then stumbled and fell down the steep incline, turning over and over until he came to a halt at a mailbox located at the bottom of the hill.
“You hate to see a former superstar like this,” said Pederson, shaking his head. “I mean, this guy’s a legend. It’s not often you get to meet the man responsible for Caribbean Queen.”
Astley’s current whereabouts are unknown, although an unconfirmed rumor has him living in a refrigerator box with the guy who sang I Wanna Be Rich.