Well, one of our favorite guest bloggers, Phil Collins, is back today with some exciting news: he’ll be performing in Washington, D.C. at an exclusive post-Inaugural party! We’re always excited to have Mr. Collins contribute, so with a little preview into what we can expect next week, here he is:
Allright, I’ll come right out with it: I’m pissed off and I needed an outlet. It all started two days ago. I got up and went through my normal morning ritual: eating Hot Pockets and scouring my videos on YouTube to look for positive comments.
Everything was going fine for awhile. I’m happy to report that my YouTube fan base is as strong as ever. But when I got to Groovy Kind of Love, I found something that made me spit out the Mountain Dew I was chugging. Commenter nat731 left this little gem:
“Phill Collins sux”
First of all, learn how to spell my name. It’s Phil Collins. What planet are you on, brother, where Phils spell their name with two L’s? No place I’d like to be, that’s for sure.
Secondly, what exactly are you trying to accomplish? The comments section on my YouTube videos are gathering places for my fans to shower adulation upon me. The highlight of my day is rolling out of bed at 1:45, cracking open a bag of Fritos, and stroking off to nice things people say about me on a video-sharing site. It’s instant gratification. There’s no better chub than the one you get when some 42 year old woman tells you that Invisible Touch was her senior class song. Look, I haven’t had a hit in close to 20 years. The only things I have to look forward to are royalty checks, YouTube comments, and writing for this blog. Why would you go and ruin that for me?
This era of near-anonymous Internet slandering has to come to an end. I think I may have done my part to quell this cowardly uprising. I did a little research, and it turns out our friend nat731 is actually 17 year old Nathan Morehouse of 112 Oakwood Lane in Worcester, Massachusetts. Nathan has a 3.7 GPA and is in the Key Club. Some of his interests include hockey, the show Lost, and Nintendo Wii.
Time to add another hobby to your list, Nate: getting harassed by Phil Collins.
I took a little trip to Nathan’s high school where I accidentally dropped a dime bag of weed into his locker. Oopsie! Good luck next time you get an unannounced visit from the drug-sniffing dogs, Chachi. Then, after visiting some tech-savvy friends, I was already able to upload a myriad of computer viruses to his parents’ PC. I even sent one to his Dad’s work laptop that plays a video of two gay dudes doing it every time you open Microsoft Word. I wonder what his boss will think at the next board meeting, when Mr. Morehouse cracks open his laptop to reveal the sounds of pole gobblers reverberating throughout the conference room.
It also happens that Nate has a 6 year old sister, Jennifer. Jennifer just started elementary school this past year. Wonder how Nathan will feel when Jennifer’s elementary school principal finds that dime bag of weed I planted in her Dora the Explorer lunch box!
Making Nathan and his family suffer is not enough, however. I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I have placed a $5,000 bounty on the head of Nathan Morehouse. Take him out. If you can hit him with your car, do it. We must make a statement, and that statement is this – random YouTube commenters should not be allowed to shit on celebrities who have a lot of fans. You’re cheating the celebrity, the fans, and most of all, yourself. Nathan, after I teach you a lesson, I suggest you log onto YouTube and tell me how much Sussudio changed your life.
To recap: anyone who brings me Nathan Morehouse gets a cool 5 G’s. Thank you for your time.
Oh, and I made up that thing about me performing at the inauguration.