(I Almost Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight, Musta Been the Hardwood Floor

I’m at a party Saturday night with some friends. As it was winding down, a friend of mine passed out, fell backwards, and hit his head on a hardwood floor. Everyone’s first inclination is to smile and point at the goofball who hit the deck. After all, one of the funniest things in life is when someone else falls down. So everybody had a good laugh…until we noticed the pool of blood gathering behind his head.

So, all in all…..a pretty good little weekend was had by all!

Right away, everybody sprang to action. 9-1-1 was called. Pressure was put on the wound. He was okay, but it was pretty scary. I was freaking out. When we realized he was bleeding, I got behind him and held onto him while two other people stayed on either side of him. It was absolutely surreal, and the kind of situation you never really prepare for. There I was, holding onto one of my best friends while blood gushed from the back of his head.

It was like the end of Lethal Weapon 2, except with wood paneling.

I held him steady, but I was a wreck. I was crying like a bitch and hyperventilating at the same time. I was also shaking the shit out of him, trying to get a response. This was Clue #1 that I’m not a trained EMT. I don’t know how much of the Paramedic School curriculum deals with not shaking the shit out of people when you show up to save them, but I imagine they cover it within the first couple of days.

When the paramedics showed up, I was still pretty messed up about it. One of my buddies came up to me and said, “Don’t worry man, everything’s going to be okay. He’ll just need some staples in his head.”

I’m pretty sure that if you’re head requires stapling, you’re the opposite of okay. It doesn’t really matter what led to that point. Whatever life choices have led you to this head-stapling lifestyle, you might need to change things up a bit. Think about it: no one has ever said, “Everything will be just fine as soon as we insert some metal into his skull.”

I’m no doctor, but you’re dealing with a serious medical problem if the remedy includes office supplies. I can’t imagine looking at a patient and saying, “I don’t see anything to worry about here. Nothing that a couple of paperclips to the noggin can’t cure.” I’m not trying to make light of anyone getting their head stapled, and I’m glad my boy is okay now. All I’m saying is it sucks that he’ll have to get his prescription filled at Office Depot.

It could have been worse I guess. If his head was split all the way open, they would have had to collate his brains.

Like I said, he was okay. He left the ER a couple hours later with a big cut and a small headache. But seeing one of my best friends, lying in my arms and bleeding profusely, was a serious shock to my system. So many things run through your head. It really makes you think about your life. I realized something important that night. I realized just how eye-opening an experience this could be.

Seeing one of my best friends with his head cracked open makes me realize just how lucky I am not to be the one who got his head cracked open.

Seriously, how bad would that suck? Your clothes are going to be all bloody. You’re going to wake up the next morning hating the world with a horrible pains in your head. Worst of all, you’ll have to get treated for wounds at OfficeMax. All in all, if I was going to choose one person to get his head cracked open, and I had to choose between me and someone else, I can say with certainty that I would choose the other guy.

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