LOS ANGELES, CA – Two former heavyweights have come together for a return to their former glory. Actors Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino announced at a press conference yesterday that they would be joining forces, much like Voltron, to form one giant, unstoppable super actor, known as Albert Paciro.
“It makes sense,” said DeNiro. “Since Heat, neither one of us has been in a really great movie. I mean, Meet the Parents was pretty funny, and Al was unforgettable as Shylock in Merchant of Venice. But our careers have devolved significantly; as Albert Paciro we’ll give each other a much better chance to improve our situations artistically and financially. We feel that if we combine our forces, we can give better performances.”
“Like Voltron,” added Pacino.
No one at the gathering seemed to understand what the two meant, which lead to DeNiro giving a 45 minute Powerpoint presentation on exactly how this would work.
“I know it’s kind of confusing,” said DeNiro, “But we feel that this will be beneficial to both of our careers. We’re uniting. It’ll be kind of like Captain Planet.”
Pacino reached forward to grab DeNiro’s microphone. “Voltron. He means we’re like Voltron.
Upon hearing the announcement, several producers came forward with multimillion dollar offers for the two legendary actors. There have been offers from every genre; Judd Apatow asked them to appear as Seth Rogen’s grandfather in an unnamed 2010 project, Michael Mann has signed them to appear in a movie he just wrote as an aging cop who comes out of retirement to track a serial killer, and Chris Nolan has guaranteed them a role in the upcoming Dark Knight sequel.
About fifteen minutes into the press conference, everything came to a halt when it was crashed by acting legend Jack Nicholson. Nicholson entered through the back and sauntered up to the podium. “Hey, what about me? My career sucks now too. The Bucket List sucked groin. Help me out here!”
After a ten minute discussion with Nicholson, Pacino and DeNiro announced they would be joining forces with Nicholson to form ultra-super actor, Jalbert Pacirolson.
“This is even better!” said DeNiro. “Now we’re guaranteed to get a role that will assure us an Oscar and/or $20 million payday. For all you other old actors out there who thinks they’re going to get a part, guess what? You can’t handle the truth!”
Nicholson clapped DeNiro on the back as Pacino grabbed the mic to say, “Voltron is what we’re like now. Voltron.”
Even more offers poured in at the news of three of acting’s greatest joining together. Spike Lee offered the threesome a role in his upcoming Martin Luther King, Jr. biopic, Ridley Scott told them he would write-in a role for them in his upcoming Russell Crowe film he’ll be directing, and Martin Scorsese nutted.
Silence fell over the crowd, though, when actor Morgan Freeman entered the room. “I haven’t been in a great movie since Shawshank. Everything since then has been for the paycheck. Last time I had a bran muffin, my butt created a better looking mess than Wanted was. You guys are all intense; why don’t you get some soft-spoken dignity?”
DeNiro shrugged. “Okay.”
After another short recess, the foursome came back with another announcement: they would now be known as Robackalgan DePafreecholson.
When asked for comment on this new arrangement, Freeman busted out a wide grin. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” said Freeman, choking back tears. “I can’t wait to show up to collect our Oscar. We’re going to look like the nWo up on stage.”
Pacino glared at Freeman, and yelled out, “Voltron! The valid comparison is Voltron!”
Before the celebration got too out of hand, Jon Voight and Peter O’Toole broke a window with a hammer and climbed through. “This is bullshit,” said Voight, who clearly hadn’t shaved in days. “I was in Midnight Cowboy! And Peter, well, that’s Lawrence of Arabia right there. It’s time we got our due too!”
Another huddle, another announcement: coming to theaters in 2009, a film starring Jomorobalackpete O’Pavoightnirosonman.
The six actors joined hands and raised them to the sky. As they popped open a bottle of bubbly, dead silence washed over the crowd as retired actor Sean Connery entered the fray.
Connery smirked. “So, you think you’re little group here is the ultimate actor? You think all you washed up dirtbags are going to unite to form one piece of greatness, like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?”
“VOLTRON!” yelled Pacino, who had to be restrained by DeNiro and O’Toole.
Connery laughed to himself. “You want greatness? Then you’ll let me join you. Because right now, I’m not sure you’re prepared to do what’s necessary.”
The six actors all kind of looked at each other, unsure what to do. After a few moments, DeNiro nodded and waved Connery up on stage. Once the debate surrounding the new actor’s name was resolved, they announced themselves as Seanbertalorganterjon Voiconicholnirofreecinotoole.
“Now!” yelled DeNiro, smiling widely. “We’ve been assembled! We won’t have to be reduced to doing informercials in Asia, like Al here! Al, what was it you were endorsing in all those Japanese commercials?”
Pacino, clearly embarrassed, whispered, “Voltron DVDs.”