A Vistor's Guide to D.C.

Washington D.C. is expecting millions of people to flood the city for the inauguration, and experts are predicting a logistical nightmare. Public transportation and traffic will be swamped, making it hard on the locals as well as travelers unfamiliar with the area’s terrain.

If you’re one of the millions migrating to D.C. for the event, and you’ve ever been to our nation’s capital before, don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. Today I’m going to give you a brief guide to the city. Here are some helpful facts that may help your stay go a little smoother:

* About one out of every four homeless people are actually billionaires in disguise, waiting to reward a kind stranger.

* Make sure to check out the free museums, such as the American History Museum, the Air and Space Museum, the Hirshorn, and even lesser known places like the Burt Reynolds American Wig Museum.

* When describing the Georgetown bar scene to friends in your hometown, the correct adjective is “fratdouchetastic.”

* If it gets too cold and wet, beware of black ice on the roads. Coincidentally, black ice was also the original nickname of the Obama/Biden ticket.

* For the best way in and out of the city, use the metrorail. It rarely gets crowded and will be more than equipped to handle millions of new customers. After all, there’s plenty of room outside the cars for people to hang on.

Seriously, the metro is fugazi. I saw an ad on a train a couple months ago talking about how they didn’t allow food on the metro so they wouldn’t have rats like New York. How about this – if D.C. gets a subway system that is half as efficient and effective as New York City’s, and the tradeoff is more rats, than I’d be happy to have rats. I’ll throw rat parties, giving away rats to everyone getting on the Orange Line. I’ll give up my seat to a rat, when he gets on. I’ll even sit next to him, and I won’t be disgusted, because me and the rat will be having a conversation about how great the D.C. Metro is.

* Guys: if you’ve got a thing for uptight, somewhat attractive, pantsuit-wearing women with minimal personality….welcome to your Jerusalem.

* At every D.C. barber shop and hair salon, they have a special this week: free Jim Zorn haircuts for all.

* If you possess even a modicum of athletic talent, the Wizards might hook you with a 10-day contract.

* If you find the inaugural ceremonies to be too inspiring and uplifting, you can always visit the Holocaust Museum. The Holocaust Museum: Because once in awhile, everybody needs a good cry.

* Littering is not only legal, it’s actually encouraged.

* And my parting message to you is this: thanks a lot for messing up my day. Now I’m not going to get home until midnight. Too bad McCain didn’t win, then all I’d have to deal with is the stench of VFW halls and Metamucil wafting through the streets.


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