My boy Daniel turns 25 on Saturday, and a bunch of my friends and I are throwing down to celebrate. We’re pulling out all the stops – bottles of Cristal, VIP treatment at D.C.’s finest clubs, strippers, and best of all, a cookie cake.
Me and D have been best friends since 8th grade. We both took Latin, where we both went on to participate in Certamen – an academic competition where they’d ask you questions about Latin language and Roman history. How we got out of middle school without getting our asses kicked routinely is a mystery for the ages.
Bottom line is that D is one of the all time good guys, and few people know the man as well as I do. To honor him hitting the quarter century mark, here’s some fun trivia about the birthday boy:
* His biggest dream: star in an all-white remake of Dolemite.
* When we were roommates back in college, he used to bake cakes in the microwave by dumping cake mix and water into a bowl, cooking it on high for eight minutes, and then dumping a whole thing of icing onto the cake. He actually tried to sell these until a cake expert told him that they were terrible.
* On weekends, you can often see D at the Clarendon Grill, dancing with all the ladies next to the D.J.’s table on the main stage. Then if you keep watching said stage for a few minutes, you can see him get forcibly removed.
* Took a year off after high school to tour Mexico as a luchadore under the pseudonym Pedro Maravilloso. Fired after his second fight because all he would do is grab the luchadores, known for their high-flying acrobatics, and punch them in the face until the ref intervened.
* Apparently in anticipation of some easy-listening blood feud no one else knows about, often tells anyone who will listen that if “shit ever went down between Hall and Oates, I’ve got Oates’ back all the way, man.”
* Always pitching me awful ideas for TV shows he wants me to write. His latest? (Art) Monk, about an obsessive-compulsive NFL wide receiver who solves crimes and doesn’t belong in the Hall of Fame.
* Huge Emily Dickinson fan.
* Once played blackjack with Pete Rose in Vegas. Won significant money from Rose after offering him a Lay’s potato chip and then laying 2-1 odds that Rose couldn’t eat just one.
* Refuses to buy turkeys from the store at Thanksgiving. He always hunts his own. With his hands.
* Whenever he has a sneezing fit, gets really nervous that he’s going to die and asks anyone around him if he’s going to be okay.
* After he’s done at the urinal, always yells “Good job!” to himself before he zips up.
* On Election Day, he tried to vote twice by coming back to the polls with an obvious fake moustache and trenchcoat.
* In high school, he wanted nothing more than to one day play hockey for the Washington Capitals. Tragically, his hockey dreams were cut short when he realized they wouldn’t let him play in sneakers because he didn’t know how to skate.
So there you have it. As the censored-for-radio version of Juicy said, and if you don’t know, now you know, you know.