Hello, everyone. My name is Rick O’Connell. I am an international explorer and adventurer. You may have watched my exploits in any of the three Mummy feature films. I’m here to tell you that Christmas can be a stressful time for everyone. Dealing with family…..gift-wrapping…..crowded malls….it’s easy to forget the true reason for the season. All those things can be severe pains in your behind. If you ask me, though, the worst part about the holidays should be the same for everyone: mummies.
I mean, mummies are a real bear to deal with any day of the year, but it seems like there’s something about December that brings them out in droves.
For example, I was out last Saturday looking for a gift for my son at Borders. I was look for this book he had asked me for. Right before I could grab it, a mummy stuck his arm in front of me and nabbed the thing. Turns out it’s the last one in the damn store. Outside I attempted to offer him double what he paid for it, but he just mumbled something and walked off. You can’t negotiate with a mummy.
I have a lot of experience dealing with these things. Some might say I’m defined by my mummy run-ins. Let me clue you in on something: it’s never more bothersome than when I have to fight one over the holidays. I’ll be sitting around, drinking some egg nog, and what pops up in the front window? A mummy with a Santa hat on. It never fails to piss me off. At this point, I’m shooing these things away with a fucking broom. It’s not even a challenge, just a nuisance.
The other night me and the old lady were putting up our tree. We had all the ornaments, lights, and tinsel on there. It looked perfect. This was a real beautiful tree. Before you could say Jiminy Christmas, a mummy slid down our chimney, walked into our living room, and knocked the whole thing over. It was ridiculous. I just sat there, in shock, and said, “What are you doing, man?” But he just stared at me. I punched him in the shoulder, but he didn’t do anything. He just took it, then after a few seconds, left. It was weird and awkward.
At work last week, I thought I was in line for this a big, fat Christmas bonus. Guess what? Didn’t get it. Know who did? The inconsequential jerkoff my boss calls a son….who just happens to be a mummy.
I have enough stress going on in my life during the holidays without mummies. Like, my mother-in-law – God bless her, but she drives me crazy. She shows up and starts railing on me for every little thing. If it’s not my tie, it’s my sweater. If it’s not my sweater, it’s how fast I’m driving her on our way back from the airport. She keeps going on and on and on – and just when I think it can’t get any worse, she gets kidnapped by a mummy, and me and my whole family are forced to go to Egypt on this big adventure to rescue her. I don’t even like the bitch, again, God bless her.
I guess in a way I’m lucky. Not everybody gets to go on mummy-killing adventures. Sometimes they can be fun. But most of my mummy encounters take place in everyday, ho-hum type situations. I’ll fight one at the post office, or the market, or at the insurance company I sell insurance for. I’ll be on the phone with a customer, trying to sell them collision coverage, when out of nowhere – bam – a mummy pops up and wants to throw down. It’s not really that exciting. It’s kind of mundane. Or mummy-dane, as it were.
Somehow through all of this, I manage to keep my sanity. In the spirit of the holidays, let me give you some tips on how to survive the Christmas season, and mummies:
* Get all your gift-wrapping done early. Nobody wants to be up until 3AM Christmas Eve wrapping presents.
* If you walk out in public, don’t put your arms directly in front of you while letting your mouth hang open. If a mummy sees you, he might think you’re making fun of him.
* Make sure all the kids get an equal amount of presents, to avoid holiday disputes.
* If any carolers come to your door wrapped entirely in toilet paper, do not let them in. In all likelihood, they are mummies.
* Compliment your in-laws often in order to smooth things over. Don’t want any family strife.
* If you want to take your family to a warm-weather climate for your Christmas vacation, stick to Orlando or California. Avoid places like Egypt, as it is somewhat mummy-heavy.
* Donate as much as you can to the bell-ringers of the Salvation Army. It will make you feel better to aid someone in need.
* Do NOT donate a dime to the Mummy Salvation Army. While this sounds like it would be a bunch of mummies giving their time and efforts to raise money for the less fortunate, in actuality, they are only raising money for other less fortunate mummies.
So there you have it. Stick to those guidelines, and not only will you have a safe and healthy holiday, but you will also stay relatively mummy-free.