It’s time for the Christmas edition of everyone’s favorite running series, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? For those of you who don’t know, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? pits beloved Star Wars character Chewbacca in battle against a myriad of opponents with varying degrees of skill. Let’s get to it:
HAVING THE BEST DECORATIONS ON THE BLOCK
STRENGTHS: While Chewie’s house always looks great, it’s Greedo who usually goes above and beyond and wins the neighborhood decoration ribbon.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie is able to win the prize after he plants a dime bag in Greedo’s car, getting him arrested on possession charges on December 12th. He’s unable to make it home in time to get his lights up, so Chewbacca wins the day.
MAKING A YULE LOG CAKE
STRENGTHS: One of the most treasured and delicous treats of the holiday season.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: All of Chewie’s friends gather excitedly for a treat Chewie promises to be the best of the holiday season. They’re somewhat disappointed, however, when he presents them with a tree stump, clearly torn right from the ground, covered in peanut brittle and chocolate icing. They are forced to eat it when Chewie insists on watching them enjoy it.
STRENGTHS: Delivers presents to all the good boys and girls all over the world.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Santa enters the chimney of Little Billy and Jenny Miller’s house with a sack full of presents. As he surveys the scene, however, he’s taken aback: a multitude of presents have already been laid out under the tree. Santa turns to see Chewie, in a Santa suit, kicking back in a recliner.
“Looks like you’re late, fat ass,” sneers Chewie.
“Fuck you,” Santa says defiantly. “So what? So you put some presents out. And you could probably kick my ass. But when it comes to children’s games, you’ll never be better than me….I am the king of childlike wonderment and joy.”
“Yeah?” says Chewie, pulling out a box of ConnectFour. “Care to put your reputation on the line?”
Santa gulps nervously, but nods. They sit down at the coffee table and begin to play. Five hours later, at 7 in the morning, Billy and Jenny comes downstairs to see Santa, sweating profusely with his shirt off, and Chewbacca, rubbing his chin, locked in an intense ConnectFour battle.
“Fuck me!” exclaims Santa. “Allright, let’s go again. Best of 49.”
“Go eat shit, I won and that’s that,” says Chewie, getting up.
As the two children scream, it snaps both men back into a heightened state of awareness. Realizing they can’t be exposed, they beat the shit out of the kids and flee the scene. They leave no presents.
THE BUMBLE FROM RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
STRENGTHS: One of the North Pole’s most ferocious creatures.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: No chance. Chewie shows up to the fight with a naked and beaten Yukon Cornelius in tow. The Bumble gets visibly upset by this torture of the man who he’s clearly gay with. Chewbacca in a landslide.
MAKING IT THROUGH THE HOLIDAY FILM NOTHING LIKE THE HOLIDAYS
STRENGTHS: Probably hard to sit through because it’s most likely a piece of shit. Also, features Debra Messing.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Han awaken from their Leguizamo-induced stupor during the end credits in disbelief as to how awful this movie really was.
“I watched about the first twenty minutes,” says Chewie, staring straight ahead with a horrified look on his face, “then I fell asleep and had a dream that George Lopez was throwing me into the Death Star.
Han shudders. “Man, George Lopez wasn’t even in the fucking movie.”
Chewie continues to gaze directly ahead. “Doesn’t even fuckin’ matter, man. Doesn’t even fuckin’ matter.”
SINGING ADESTE FIDELES IN THE CHURCH CHOIR
STRENGTHS: One of the most beautiful Christmas songs, and a difficult one to perfect even for the most talented of vocalists.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie’s family and friends are all gathered in pews as Chewie comes out with the rest of the choir in beautiful red and white church robes. As the organist begins to play the familiar tune, Chewie looks around nervously, jumps out of the choir box, and belts out, “Ohhhh, we’re halfway there, OHHHH-HO, we’re living on a prayer! Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear, OHHH-HO, we’re livin…..”
The whole congregation has stopped dead in their tracks. Han, out in the crowd wearing his Sunday tie and suit coat, looks at Chewie. For a moment, he sees a glimmer of doubt in the Wookie’s eye. What happened was clear: he forgot the words to the song, so he improvised. That’s when Han stands amid the silence.
And slowly begins to clap.
“Best damn version of Adeste Fideles I’ve ever heard,” says Han, nodding.
Soon everyone joins him in his applause. A tear wells up in Chewie’s eye before he mouths the words “Thank you” to Han. He then breaks out into a stirring rendition of Silent Night, which sounds strangely like Van Halen’s Hot for Teacher.
REENACTING THE NATIVITY SCENE ON CHRISTMAS EVE
STRENGTHS: One of the most classic images associated with Christmas, it takes a lot of people and props to correctly portray the scene that is the birth of Jesus.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Everything is perfect, except R2 and a Jawa get into a huge brawl over who gets to be the Baby Jesus. Chewbacca, Lando, and Wedge, portraying the three wise men, take off their crowns and shove the Jawa in a trash can because R2 is their boy. They spend about half an hour rolling the trash can down the street and kicking it. They end up including the dazed Jawa in the scene underneath a sign that reads, “What the Baby Jesus Would Have Came Out Looking Like if Mary Had Been Punched in the Gut During Her Pregnancy.”
DISRUPTING THE EMPEROR’S CALL-IN RADIO SHOW
STRENGTHS: Airing every Sunday night from 7-midnight on the Republic’s only easy listening station, Straight Talk with Palpatine deals with all kinds of topics in a family-friendly format.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: “8:45 here on this Sunday night before Christmas,” says Palpatine into his microphone, as his sidekick Vader looks on sipping a hot cappuccino. “Our phone lines are open, and we’re here to help. Right now let’s go to Chewbacca in Kashyyyk. Chewbacca, you’re on with Emperor Palpatine, what can we do for you?”
Chewie clears his throat. “Umm, yeah, my first question is my Dad is gay, and he asked me to be his boyfriend, and I was just wondering do you think that’s a good idea or is that stupid?”
“Uhh, I’m sorry?” says Palpatine, at a loss for words. “Could you repeat that question?”
“Umm, yeah, says Chewie.”My question was, umm, you’re a douche.”
Snickering can be heard in the background as the Emperor motions for his producer to cut the call. “Okay, that’s not what we’re about here. You think you’re cute, don’t you buddy? Well, we’ve got your number, and we’re going to report you to the authorities. There are people who really need help out there, ya jerk. Let’s go to our next caller. Han in Corellia, how can we help you pal?”
“Yeah, umm, I just wanted to ask you, why are you such a fucking shithead who eats other people’s shit? Baba Booey!” says Han, who hangs up as soon as he get
s those words out.
The Emperor pounds the control panel in anger. “Okay, THAT’S ENOUGH. We are trying to help people here, and we don’t need you jerks ruining it for everyone. Now, my producer tells me we’ve got someone on the line who thinks he might be gay, but isn’t sure and needs our help. Luke from Tattooine, how can we help you buddy….”