Sad news to report today. I’ve gotten word from one of my sources in the Cleveland Cavaliers organization that Wise Lebron, of the Lebrons, has passed away due to heart failure. He was 82 years old.
He’s survived by his family, which includes Business Lebron, Athlete Lebron, and Kid Lebron. His wife, MeMa Lebron, an old woman who looked exactly like Lebron James dressed in a grey wig and glasses, succumbed to Alzheimers in 2001.
At the time of his passing, Wise Lebron was playing a game of 2 on 2 in the park near his residence, according to family physician Doctor Dunks-A-Lot, a middle-aged man in surgeon’s scrubs who looks exactly like Lebron James. He was extolling the virtues of the bank shot to Business Lebron’s trifling ass. As he drove to the bucket for an old-fashioned two-handed lay-up, he grabbed his chest and collapsed to the ground, never to be heard from again.
“I am heartbroken at the loss of one of my closest family members,” said Athlete Lebron prior to tonight’s 7:00 tip-off with the Toronto Raptors, visibly shaken. “Although Wise Lebron did nothing but complain about how I wasn’t as tough as older players and tell me to stay away from his lemonade, he will be missed. I always sought his counsel and stuck with him like flies on shut-yo-mouth.”
When reached for comment, Business Lebron brushed off reporters, ran a pic through his greasy jheri curl and made dates with several fly ladies via Blackberry.
Memorial services are planned for next Tuesday, during which Kid Lebron, now a ward of the state, is expected to imagine Wise Lebron encased in a casket made out of a giant dinner roll. Also expected to attend the funeral are Wise Lebron’s close personal friends Aging D-Wade, Decrepit Carmelo, and Arthritic Rodney Stuckey.