Having trouble picking out a gift for that special someone? Fear not, as Understated Stupidity’s holiday gift expert and world’s richest man Warren Buffett is here with a guide to the hottest gifts of the season. Take it away, WB:
The U.S. economy is in a down period, and many experts are predicting a downturn in holiday shopping. To that sentiment I say: Bah! Humbug! Nothing could provide a bigger jolt to the U.S. market than consumers going to out their favorite stores and putting their hard-earned dollars back into the economy. Besides, it’s Christmas, the season reserved for gift-giving! That said, let me clue you in on some of the hottest must-have items I’ll be buying that you should have this holiday season:
Has it gotten a little bit chilly in your living room? Warm up with some fluffy golden-toe socks (Hanes, $99). Some socks claim to be golden toe, but you’ll find that the toes are just golden-colored. These have been in dipped in actual gold, much like the foot of Achilles. The best part is the rest of it is 100% cotton. Your tootsies will be toasty with this stocking stuffer!
While gas prices have gone down lately, they could go back up at any moment. That’s why it’s tough on those of us who own SUVs, or private jets. If you’ve got an SUV, I can’t help you other than to say buy a Prius! For all of us jet owners though, why not save on gas costs by getting an eagle with a saddle? (World Wildlife Foundation, $12,000) These darling birds have been specifically trained by rogue WWF executives trying to make a quick buck on the side through the high-stakes world of eagle-trafficking. There’s nothing that says “cost-efficient” like holding to the reins of a bald eagle soaring high over the streets of New York while ordering him to shit on your enemies.
Looking for something for the history buff in the family? There are a myriad of books out there, but who has time to read anymore? Go after some memorabilia. All the lovers of Olde English history would love to get their hands on the original Magna Carta (United Kingdom, $35 million). This significant historical document would be the crown jewel of anyone’s private collection. Also works great as a napkin.
It’s tough to be single during the holidays. It’s easy to get lonely without a significant other. This is especially so for men. So, why not buy your best guy friend a weekend getaway? How about letting him be fed strawberries by Angelina Jolie on the beaches of Barbados while getting an HJ from Natalie Portman and at the same time being sung to by Sade and getting a back rub from Beyonce? (Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman, Sade, Beyonce, and Barbados, $150 million). This one gets a little boring after awhile, but it’s pretty awesome just to be able to say it happened. Of course, if you’re operating on a budget, you could always just get him a mail order bride (Chechnya, 5,000 rubles, plus $4.95 shipping and handling).
Blu-Ray has taken over as the dominant home entertainment system. It’s got the clearest picture of any home movie format to hit the market yet. But why not get the clearest picture possible by having the actors from your favorite movies come to your house and recreate the film right in front of you? (Various actors/actresses, upwards of $1 billion). I can’t tell you how electrifying it was to have Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise yell at each other about “the truth” while Demi Moore looked on. And that Kevin Pollak was cracking everyone up during lunch breaks. Best Shatner impression ever!
Are the kids getting bored with the puppy? Are they going through goldfish after dead goldfish? Time to think outside the box and spruce up the house with an actual woolly mammoth (An unidentified research laboratory, $100 billion). After rounding up some of the world’s best scientists, paying them an exorbitant sum to recreate an extinct species, and waiting through years of experimentation with the mammoth genome, bring home this adorable creature home so the kids can ride on him. They’ll go crazy over this “hairy elephant,” as one of my great-grandkids calls him!
Finally, if you’re not into the gift-giving mode, but are feeling charitable, there are plenty of worthy causes to donate to. March of Dimes, MADD, and Red Cross are just three. Or, if you want to be charitable and topical at the same time, how about singlehandedly rebuilding the city of Mumbai? (Mumbai, India, $200 billion). Sure, you could use it to get a tie for Dad, but why not put that money towards rebuilding a broken city’s infrastructure? You could even beef up Indian security nationwide while you’re at it. The best part is you’ll get the satisfaction of knowing you helped millions in need. That, and in all likelihood, a giant statue of yourself in the town square.
In closing, I hope I gave you some good ideas. If you’re worried about old Warren getting a good gift, don’t fret. My family procured for me the greatest gift of all: unconditional love.
That, plus an army of diamond encrusted whores who shit birthday cake (Best Buy, $511 billion).