It’s that time of year again, folks. The time when we give thanks for all we’ve been blessed with, and also the time when we speculate on how a Star Wars character would react in different scenarios where he is being challenged. So get a slice of pumpkin pie, loosen your fly, and prepare yourself for the Thanksgiving edition of my award-winning series…..But Could He Beat Chewbacca?
STRENGTHS: Based on the millions of turkeys that are consumed each year, they are apparently pretty good at what they do.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: We see several turkey-hunters scouring the forest making turkey calls. After hours of trying, they finally hear a response: the most clear and beautiful turkey chirp they’ve ever heard in their lives. They follow it to a forest clearing….where Chewbacca stands with a crossbow, waiting for them. He hands them his college degree, which clearly states that he minored in turkey-calling.
BETTING ON THE LIONS TO COVER
STRENGTHS: As the NFL’s only winless team going up against the 10-1 Tennessee Titans, the Detroit Lions are almost guaranteed to lose Thursday.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han, Luke, and Chewie watch the game in the living room in the first quarter. Han and Luke ridicule Chewie mercilessly for picking Detroit, but he just smiles and laughs. “Just wait,” he says. “You’ll see.” That’s when it happens – in the second quarter, with Tennessee up 14-0, a couple of Wookies in ski masks run onto the field with a crow bar and proceed to jack up Titans QB Kerry Collins. Despite the setback, backup QB Vince Young comes in and plays well enough to lead his team to a 40-21 victory. Han smiles smugly as Chewie hands him his money.
Chewie throws a bowl of peanuts across the room and leaves – on his way out, he yells back at Han, “Whatever dude, you’re full of shit.”
NOT HITTING HIS FATHER-IN-LAW
STRENGTHS: Chewie’s father-in-law is a notorious dickbag.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After a whole day of shrugging off snide remarks and handling the old grizzled Wookie’s criticism with aplomb, Chewie manages not to strike his wife’s father. His anger eventually erupts when he’s given the wrong amount of change while buying a YooHoo at the 7-11 down the street that night. He absolutely lays into the Jawa working the counter.
PREPARING A TURKEY
STRENGTHS: Preparing the perfect turkey is a complex and intricate task that takes hours on end.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Leia, Han, Luke, Lando, and Wedge all sit around the dining room table. Chewie bursts through the kitchen door, holding a platter with a cover over it.
“God, if I could teach a class on cooking a turkey, I would,” says Chewie, setting down the tray. “This thing looks so good I could have sex with it.”
“Let’s just eat it, pal,” says Han. “I’m sure it’s amazing.”
The holiday cheer dissipates, however, when Chewie removes the plate to reveal a half-cooked turkey with head and feathers still intact. To make matters worse, a look of sheer terror remains frozen on the poor bird’s face. After an initial gasp of shock and disbelief, everyone attempts to smile and congratulate Chewie.
“It….looks….good?” says Han, recoiling in horror.
“God, that’s fucked up,” mutters Luke.
MAKING A PUMPKIN PIE
STRENGTHS: Like a good turkey, making a good pumpkin pie is both an art and a science.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: As everyone recovers from the rancid turkey, Chewie claps his hands and runs to the kitchen. “Time for some pie, baby!” When he returns, he has a box containing a busted up pumpkin, some eggs, milk, an unwrapped store-bought pie crust, and for some reason, 3 pounds of Betty Crocker German Chocolate cake mix.
PICKING UP LANDO FROM THE AIRPORT
STRENGTHS: A very difficult task, considering the fact that it’s the busiest travel day of the year.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han and Chewie arrive thirty minutes before Lando’s flight is scheduled to land. The flight lands right on time despite heavy rain the area, and after a quick stop at the duty-free shop, they are in the car and ready to go. Things take a downward turn, however, when Chewie’s Toyota Highlander hyrdoplanes in the parking lot and forces Chewie to rear end a lime-green VW Bug.
Chewie gets out and surveys the damage. “Shit. Allright. Are you okay?”
The guy in the other car gets out, rubbing his neck. It’s Greedo.
“Ahh…hey….yes, I’m okay. That…what happened back there?” says Greedo, in a polite, calm tone.
“My bad, my bad…doesn’t look to be much damage, though, we can probably just shake hands and get going, so….,” Chewie says hurriedly.
Greedo examines his bumper. “No, actually I very clearly see a dent there. Yeah, that wasn’t there before. Let’s go ahead and exchange information and….OWW….wow, my neck is killing me. You really snuck up on me there and whacked me good! Are you allright?”
Chewie gets a piece of paper from Han and scribbles furiously. “Um, yeah, I’m good. I’m fine. There’s my information, have a good night.”
Greedo says back, still politely, “Okay now, Happy Thanksgiv-”
Before he can finish, Chewie is in the car and peels off. Greedo looks down at the slip of paper. It has a perfectly drawn picture of Greedo blowing a Wampa. Underneath it are the words: “U R GAY.”