A Word From Rodney, the Cokehead Turkey Who Received a Presidential Pardon

Every year since 1989, it’s tradition for the president to pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving. This year, I was lucky enough to get a guest blog from the turkey himself. So here with his reaction to his pardon, is Rodney, the Presidential turkey:

Hey everybody! I can’t tell you how pumped I am that this Thanksgiving, I WILL NOT BE EATEN!!! Yay for me!!! This joyous holiday season truly has brought a blessing at the hands of our most magnanimous president, George W. Bush. Words can’t describe how happy I am. This is so awesome. Why, this makes me so excited, I want to go out and do some blow!

Wait….no! No! You’re not doing that again, Rodney! You can’t do that to yourself. That’s exactly what got me into this mess in the first place, and there’s no going back.

As a turkey with a drug problem, you have no idea how liberating it feels to get a second chance. It’s like I have a new lease on life. The grass is greener, the air crisper. I strut a little more when I walk through the forest. Five years ago, when I got busted for possession by the turkey-cops, I never thought I would make it in turkey-prison. When the turkey-warden told me I was being sent away somewhere, I really thought I was cooked…literally and figuratively. But seemingly out of nowhere, I get a presidential pardon and am absolved of all my past transgressions. So I’ve turned the page. You are looking at a turkey who is at peace with himself, and who is thankful for the opportunity he’s received. God, this is so amazing….it makes me want to go out and snort white stuff until I my gizzard is numb.

NO! NO! NO! STOP IT! I have come too far to let this wreck me again!

I don’t have to tell you what a negative impact cocaine can have on your life. It’s even worse if you’re a turkey. Before I got put away, I was running with these buzzards. We had this sweet set up where we would deal coke to all the birds in the forest where we lived, then later on that night we’d rob them and sell it again. One time an eagle got wise and came to our nest the next day and messed my buddies up real good. It was a wake-up call. After that, I kept to myself, but I still kept my beak in the white. I was a mess. The thought of it gets me so down, I want to bury my face in a mountain of cocaine and just suck until it goes through face orifice I have.

Ok…whoa now, get ahold of yourself, boy….you’re going to make it through this. Try not to think about it too much…

I spent the next couple of years shacking up with this pigeon stripper who was really sweet. I stole from her all the time. Money, drugs, you name it. A TV. I was ridiculous. I was just a mess of a turkey, bouncing from farm to farm. One time I beat the hell out of a chicken just for looking at me funny when I asked him if I could blow him for ten bucks. After I got put in the slammer, I found out that my brother, Pablo, got stuffed and eaten for Thanksgiving. Just the thought of my kid brother chilling for eternity in some fat douche’s tummy next to some cranberry sauce made me sick to my stomach. After that, I swore I’d go straight. And I have. Now that Mr. Bush has let me off the hook, I’m free and clear to start anew. I’m going back to school to get my GED. I’m thinking about opening up a Thanksgiving themed tofurkey joint. It’s a new day for Rodney. A new day that includes limitless horizons, undiscovered potential, and….well….let’s be honest, mountains of coke that I will jump into much like Thorton Melon doing a Triple Lindy.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody, and hope you enjoy all the three F’s of the season: football, family, and fuckin’ doing lines.


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