I had a show in Fredericksburg the other night. Afterwards I went out with some friends. Over the course of the night I saw like eight tramp stamps. The tramp stamp is one of society’s great conundrums. On one hand, they serve as useful identifiers of whores. On the other hand, no one is bringing a stamped girl home to meet Mama.
Having never really cared about any girl with one, it got me to wondering: could I enter into a meaningful, lasting relationship with a woman who had one? I don’t like to generalize people and put them into boxes, but I doubt you’re going to be able to hold down any meaningful conversation if you’ve got the words “Show Me Your Boner” written in Chinese lettering above your asscrack. So I have to be truthful in saying that no, I wouldn’t settle down with an already stamped female.
That doesn’t mean she couldn’t get one after we start dating, though.
Which leads me to my next point: I’ve figured out the perfect use for the tramp stamp. Let’s say I start dating a girl with with no tattoos at all. What better way to have her show her undying commitment to me than to have her get a tattoo on her lower back of my face? Think about it: for the rest of her life, every time some guy at a bar looks for that particular indicator of whorishness, he’ll see my mug smiling back at him, perhaps even giving a thumbs up. It’s foolproof.
It’s the perfect contrast. You take all the negative connotations associated with the stamp and turn it into a symbol of devotion. She can even have fun with it. You want to spruce it up? Then by all means, spruce! Give me a hoop earring. A ‘fro. One of those big swirly moustaches. I don’t care. Let your imagination run wild. Just so long as it’s my face in some form, it doesn’t matter. You can make me look like Gene Simmons for all I care.
The best part about it is, it would no longer even qualify as a tramp stamp, since such a blatant show of commitment would make you decidedly untramplike. We’d even have to think of a new name for them. Back portraits! Mike’s Back Portrait Parlor. We’ll have a shop open by Memorial Day ’09.
The concept isn’t without problems, however. Obviously, the big issue would be: what if we break up? It’s a reasonable concern, but I have a contingency plan for that scenario. If I break up with the girl, she can come back to the original parlor she got the tattoo at, and I’ll pay for her to have an image of Satan cranking one out drawn right above me. That way it’ll just look like the Devil’s jerking off on my face.
Ladies, this is the perfect way to show your man you love him this Christmas. Even if it doesn’t work, at least you get a free tattoo of the Devil jerking off out of the deal. It’s a win-win.