10. One time when I was a kid we had a mouse in the house. Dad set a trap, and the next morning he saw the mouse, still alive but caught in the trap. Without hesitating, he lifted up our garbage can and slammed it down, breaking the mouse’s neck.
That is the most gangster thing anyone has ever done in the history of Planet Earth. That is not up for debate.
9. Coached our 2002 Spotsylvania County Parks and Rec basketball team to a championship. While everyone else in the league was running plays, he kept it simple: 2-1-2 zone on defense, post up our biggest guys and crash the board on offense. We started out 1-2; we never lost after that. We were a wrecking crew who showed no mercy. By “showing no mercy,” I mean “played fundamentally sound basketball.” Everyone else was running around with complicated defensive and offensive formations, and what did they have to show for it at the end of the season? They had their dicks in their hands while we had the belt.
8. Every time when I would leave to go out, Mom would make sure to tell me to be safe, stay warm, etc. I’d always say, “Don’t worry, I’ll be careful.” He’d always yell back, “YOU’LL BE DEAD!” You must be a Star Wars fan to appreciate that.
7. He used to take me, Jim, Amy, and Greg to lunch every Saturday at McDonalds. Whenever we got a double cheeseburger and the cheese on it wasn’t melted, he’d take it back up front and demand for one with melted cheese. It was like Ace Rothstein in Casino making sure each blueberry muffin had an equal amount of blueberries.
6. One of the all time great smart-asses. One time he was talking to a ref at halftime of our basketball game. The ref said, “I know you like to argue with me, but I’ve never called a perfect game.” Dad said back to him, “At least your record is intact.” The guy would have tossed him out of the game if he wasn’t in such awe of the awesomeness of what had just occurred.
5. Has eviscerated a countless number of dumbass waiters, waitresses, tellers, car salesman, and companies over the years that try to screw him over.
4. Holds the world-record for “Most Times Trashing Mike Eltringham at H-O-R-S-E in His Own Driveway.”
3. His answer to my question of, “What is a taint?” is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard of my life.
2. Him and my Mom’s earth-shattering “Ass Theory” has changed my views on dating. The theory: no relationship in which the man’s ass rests closer to the ground than the woman’s ass can prosper. This is one of the many reasons why I would never marry a WNBA player.
1. Without question, he could still kick my ass.
Happy Birthday, Dad. Here’s hoping that next time I see you, you don’t kick my ass.