Marvin the Misquoter

As America chooses its next president, I want to examine the ramifications of this historic election. In fact, I decided that the consequences of today’s election are too far-reaching for someone of my limited political knowledge to grasp. Today’s analysis comes to you from our new guest blogger, as well as our chief political correspondent, Marvin the Misquoter:

Hello, everybody. Marvin the Misquoter here. It is days like this that remind us why America is the greatest country on the planet. There will be debates and arguments, but no matter who wins, it will be a peaceful transfer of power. That is why our democratic system is so great. It’s like Thomas Jefferson said back in 1776: “And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.”

The candidates, while adversarial, have remained somewhat cordial throughout a trying campaign. I’m sure the losing candidate will have an incredibly warm and congratulatory concession speech. Mr. McCain is the clear underdog, and should he lose today, I think everyone will expect a speech on par with the beautiful one he delivered when he lost the 2000 Republican primary. Who can forget when McCain wiped a tear from his eye, asked his throng of supporters to support President Bush, and quietly added, “And if you threw a party/And invited everyone you knew/ You would see/The biggest gift would be from me/And the card attached would say/Thank you for being a friend!” It’s moments like those that give me what economist Adam Smith once called, “A big ol’ American pride boner.”

Some in the McCain camp have accused Obama of elitism. One may recall a passionate speech Sarah Palin gave to coal miners in West Virginia in which Palin addressed Obama directly by saying, “I know you like to think yo shit don’t stank, but lean a little bit closer see, roses really smell like pooh pooh pooh…..yeah, roses really smell like pooh pooh pooh.” It’s an accusation that may turn off some blue collar voters who actually think Obama holds the belief that his own shit don’t stank.

Palin’s credentials have been covered by the media ad nauseum. Many feel she isn’t intelligent enough to be hold such an important position. Palin responded harshly to the criticism in an interview with Katie Couric by saying, “I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect!” She did nothing to bolster her claims, however, when she immediately followed that by asking Couric the Spanish translation for ‘banana daiquiri.’

Race is also going to be a factor. Obama is almost guaranteed to win the African American vote. Plus, it didn’t help McCain when he said that he “doesn’t really care for the blacks.” Conversely, Obama’s standing with the Italian-American community may be in the same kind of jeopardy after his controversial remarks concerning “all those no good wop dagos.” Both quotes raise red flags about the candidates, and I’m surprised they haven’t gotten more publicity from any of the major media outlets.

In the end, I think the election will be decided by the economy. The disasterous economic outlook has been a hot topic of conversation, and both candidates’ plans have been scrutinized intensely. Obama plans to tax the upper class, while McCain’s plan would be more beneficial to the wealthy. When asked to explain why he was against upper class tax hikes, McCain shrugged and said, “Got money? And you know it? Take it out yo pocket and show it. Throw it…..this way, fly….thataway, fly…this way, fly….thataway.” When asked how he could best stimulate the lagging economy, McCain took out a garbage bag full of one dollar bills, emptied it into the crowd, then screamed, “We need a grocery bag full of money right now to the VIP SECTION!” Time will tell if his strategy is successful.

So there you have it. The voters have made up their minds, and today they will make their choice. No matter who wins, today’s election is a celebration of democracy. I believe it was the philosopher Plato who said it best, when he said, “Democracy… is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder; and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequals alike. The only thing more awesome than democracy is the movie 300.”

God Bless America.


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