But Could He Beat Chewbacca: Halloween Edition

Happy Halloween, everybody. It’s time again for a spooky installment in my award-winning series, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? Without any further adieu, on with the Hallowbacca:

STRENGTHS: Possesses incredible size and brute strength.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Frankenstein shows up for the fight angry and ready to go. Chewbacca shows up wearing a polo shirt and khakis.

Frankenstein throws his arms up in the air. “What the fuck is this?” he bellows. “Are you pussying out on me?”

Chewbacca tosses a stack of pictures at Frankenstein. “Ever wonder who your mother was, buddy?”

Frankenstein examines the pictures. “I don’t have a mother. What are these?”

Chewbacca smirks. “They’re pictures of your daddy, Dr. Frankenstein, getting it on with my boy Obi-Wan Kenobi. Turns out you weren’t created from a corpse. Your dad wanted to figure out a way for two dudes to have a kid, so he created this experiment to see if he could do it. You were the product of that experiment. Your father lied to you. You’re the son of Dr. Frankenstein and Ben Kenobi. You’re a gay baby, dude. The first ever gaybee.”

Frankenstein collapses to the floor in tears. While he wallows in his own sadness and confusion, Chewie kicks the shit out of him.

STRENGTHS: With so many variations in pumpkin shapes and sizes, it’s hard to find that one that stands out from all the rest.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After spending a day scouring the pumpkin patch, Chewie brings home a pumpkin that not only looks great but also does taxes, laundry, and cooks really well.

STRENGTHS: All you really need is some orange and black streamers, scary stuff around the house, and a fog machine.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han and Chewie look on as dozens of people file through, all being frightened by Stormtrooper ghosts, Rancor-sized goblins, and a couple zombie Wampas. Everyone loves it. The Haunted Falcon is a success. Unfortunately, the night takes a sour turn when Luke pops out of a casket dressed as Dracula, causing Admiral Ackbar to have a mild heart attack.

STRENGTHS: A classic Halloween tradition in which children dress up in costumes and go to each house in their neighborhood for candy.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie ventures out into a suburb of Tatooine for a night of candy and hijinks with buddies Han and Lando. Chewie doesn’t wear a costume, Han goes as a firefighter, and Lando goes as Hellraiser. At the last house they’re greeted by Jabba the Hutt.

“Aren’t you guys like thirty?” says Jabba.

“Just give us some fucking candy,” says Chewie.

Allright, allright, here you go.” Jabba halfheartedly throws something into their bags to make them leave. As they approach Luke waiting for them in the car, Chewie fishes through his bag.


Without hesitation, Chewie, Lando, and Han go back, break into Jabba’s house, and take his TV, stereo, laptop and IPod. Han even flirts with Bib Fortuna a little bit before realizing that Bib Fortuna is a man.

With increasingly difficult designs and patterns emerging over time, carving a jack-o-lantern has been elevated into an art form.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: As Chewie slaves over a jack-o-lantern, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, Greedo approaches, wearing a flannel shirt and drinking apple cider.

Greedo takes a long sip from his styrofoam cup. “Hey there. Whatcha carvin’?”

Chewbacca puts down his knife. “Just finished….it’s actually a picture of you.”

“Oh wow!” says Greedo. “Awesome. Let me have a look.”

Chewie spins the pumpkin around so Greedo can see and walks away. On the front two eyes are carved, as well as a jagged, unfinished mouth. Below that, written in magic marker, are the words “U R GAY.”

With so many unique and original ideas popping up every year, it’s difficult to top everyone.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han and Chewie roll up to Wedge’s house party and smoke a J in the car before they go inside. “Dude,” says Chewie, wearing an apron over a hockey uniform, “This costume is the best. I guarantee you no one else thought to go as a hockey mom.”

Han, dressed like Idi Amin, shakes his head. “I keep telling you, pal, it’s not that original.”

“Whatever, you’re full of shit,” says Chewie, who gets out and heads inside.

As soon as he opens the door, Chewie’s hopes are deflated: standing by the ice luge, with a huge throng gathered around him, is Darth Vader wearing the exact same costume.

“Yo!” yells Vader, dancing with like three girls at once. “Look at that douche! He copied me!” Everyone laughs, and Chewie leaves in a huff, vowing revenge.

STRENGTHS: As one of the most powerful Jedi and Dark Lords of all time, it’s pretty hard to get one over on D.V.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie returns to the party after getting a couple of texts from Yoda urging him to not go out like a punk bitch. As soon as he walks in, Yoda and Luke grab him.

“A plan to humiliate Vader I have,” whispers Yoda over the Ying Yang twins track blaring in the background. “Like an assface I will make him look.”

After huddling together, Han, Luke, Yoda and Chewie split up and hatch their scheme. Yoda goes right up to Vader. “Tried Everclear, have you ever? Fucked up it will make you.”

After about 20 minutes of straight chugging that, Vader passes out on the lawn outside, where Chewie, Han and Luke proceed to draw a huge dick and balls on his helmet with white-out. Yoda comes outside, Jedi-farts on his face, and they all have a laugh.

“Big-boy my homie, I could not let him,” says Yoda. “Now, to a titty-bar, let us go. Go home with something to poke on, Yoda is trying to.”


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