I’m originally from northeast Pennsylvania, so while I’m not a Phillies fan, I was pulling for them to win. Last night they did just that, beating the Tampa Bay Rays to take the World Series four games to one. Today, I had a note in my inbox from the Phillies famed mascot, the Phillie Phanatic. He had plenty to say about the win last night, so here he is:
I have seen a lot of great games in my time – in ’93, when we beat the Braves to win the NLCS, the clincher we won last year to take the NL East, that one time Jimmy Rollins went three for four – but this one tops them all! I’ve been waiting a long time, but we finally did it. My beloved Phillies finally won the world championship. This almost makes up for the fact that I will be the last of my kind to roam the Earth.
When Brad Lidge struck out the final Tampa Bay hitter last night, I wept for joy. It was the culmination of a long journey for me. A long journey that involved rooting for my home team, great wins, tough losses, and the extinction of the rest of my species. It was a painful road, but I’m glad I got there. I’m just upset that the rest of my brothers and sisters were wiped off of Earth due to pollution of our natural habitat before they could enjoy the win with me.
I guess I should explain. At one time, hundreds of thousands of Phanatics inhabited Southeast Asia. We were a gentle, tree-dwelling species. Then, when the developers tore up the land, our homes were destroyed and it took less than 30 years for us to go extinct. If I hadn’t been pulled out of a Laotian forest 25 years ago by Mike Schmidt after my dad was eaten by a gibbon, I would be toast right now.
But back to the game. It really was an amazing experience. Watching my beloved Phillies win two straight at home, and then having the clinching game postponed by rain was incredibly nerve-wracking. Waiting for Game 5 to be completed was absolutely excuriating. My anxiety gnawed at my soul in the same way that the fact that I’ll never procreate with another Phanatic does. It pains me to think I’ll never feel the tender caress of a phemale, but such is life.
I went out celebrating after the game. Other Phans bought me shots and beer all night long. I must have visited every bar in the city. I would have given them all bear hugs, if I had phorgiven their species for raping my ecosystem for profit then wiping out my entire bloodline. Anyway, this morning my head felt like it was going to burst. It hurt bad, but not nearly as bad as my heart did when those poachers raided our nest in Laos and clubbed every single one of my brothers and sisters for their pelts. But it was almost as bad.
The phunny thing is, I think we could be even better next year. I definitely would pick us as phavorites to repeat. We were hungry this year, and we’re going to be hungry next year too. I can’t see this club losing that desire. Think of what 25 men can do if they’re dedicated to a single cause. Hell, if there were 24 other Phanatics still alive, I would do back phlips. I’d even bake a Laotian Roach pie. That’s one of the things that we used to eat, when we were a species with more than one member. Now that it’s just me, my diet consists mostly of shit I find in the seats after games. Last Monday for dinner I ate a pound of newspaper.
In closing, it has been a wild ride, my phriends. On behalf of the Phillie organization, allow me to say to all my phellow Phanatics – congratulations on a Phantastic year! I pheel great about our chances next season, when we dephend our World Series championship!
Oh, and I’d like to answer one thing I get asked about a lot: Yes. That is my penis in the middle of my face. Wish there was something I could do about it, but I can’t. That’s the hand I was dealt, so I’m going to play it. Not like I’ll ever get to use it, anyway.
Man, you know what? All you humans can go phuck yourselves with a rusty screwdriver.