Dating Advice from the Guy Who Loves Bugs Bunny Cartoons and YooHoo

Another comic told me about this situation he’s in last weekend: he meets a girl. Girl asks him to go to a concert. She tells him his ticket is $30, hers is only $15; she’s in college so she gets a student discount. He asks if she can buy his, and then he’ll pay her back. She agrees. He tells her, “Thank you, I’ll get you that $30 as soon as I can.” She says:

“You mean $45.”

The price of his ticket hadn’t gone up; she assumed that he would pay for both tickets. I hear this and my jaw just about hit the floor. The guy wanted my opinion on whether or not he should pay for it. The short answer is no, of course not. The long answer is the same, but a bit more complex. In fact, I have to do a complete breakdown of this social interaction just to drive home how heinous I think she is. The idea of men paying for everything when dating is an antiquated notion and has been debated over and over again, but I think there’s more to this particular situation than meets the eye. Like a Transformer.

PART I: Should he pay for the ticket?
No. The first thing he should do is cut off all contact with this gold-digging strumpet. Any woman who is that presumptuous on a first date with a guy that she asked out is trouble. She’s clearly adhering to her own outdated view of dating in which every man she meets should swoon over her every command and lavish her with shiny gifts. “Look, Margaret! I brought you a sparkly goblet I found in my garage! Give me your approval!”

In her eyes, he has “won” a date with her, so now he needs to offer up payment. To her, it is absolutely an equation: he’s getting my time, so now I am entitled to drinks/dinner/whatever. How insulting to the guy to assume that you’re more valuable than him.

What she needs to understand is that this is not a bachelorette auction. He is not bidding on you. You caught his eye – or in this case, he caught yours – so you both agreed to hang out. That’s it. If you didn’t want to pay any money on a date, go walk around Barnes and Noble. They have a lot of cool stuff there. In the Erotica and medical sciences sections they even have pictures of naked people; it’s quite breathtaking.

PART II: But wouldn’t paying for her be the gentlemanly thing to do?
Again, no. Not even close. If you open doors, are polite and well-mannered, and are just respectful in general, then you are a gentleman. If you pay for her, then you are like all the other chumps who want to buy her drinks because they think she’s pretty. (Unless the girl has already proven herself to be awesome while being poor – in that case, you buy her dinner. I think that could qualify as a write-off). Either there is equality of the sexes, or there isn’t. Your call, women. If you want me to pay for dinner, then that’s fine. Make sure my coffee has two sugars and lots of cream. And why don’t you shake it for me while you’re at it, Toots.

You know what the best part about that is? Any woman who isn’t an Entitlement Queen agrees exactly with what I just said, with the exception of the thing about buying dinner for poor girls as a tax write-off.

And the part about getting me coffee.

Here’s an example of entitlement in action from this past weekend: my boy Ryan and I were getting drinks at one of the most swank locations in all of Fredericksburg, a city known for its swankness. All our other friends were off somewhere and it was almost last call. Two girls came up to us with those flowers that the weird guys sell right around that time.

(An aside – I loate the last call flower guys with all my soul. Someone explain the logic to me of introducing a romantic symbol – the rose – into a bar at the time that is like the two-minute warning for desperate dudes. There is no room for anything romantic. It’s like having a candlelit dinner at Pizza Hut).

Anyway, these two strumpets came up to us and actually said, “If we give you each a flower, will you buy us a drink?”

Time for the multiple choice portion of this post. Did I respond by saying:

A) “Of course, young lovelies. Right this way. Allow me to purchase you some fine spirits and then squire you through the town square.”
B) “YES! How did you know that red roses are my favorite?!?!?!”
C) “Do you have five to ten minutes? Because I am going to categorically explain to you why your logic is faulty. Then I am going to tell you why not only am I not going to buy you a drink, but why you should buy me one. Actually, just check my blog next Tuesday.”

PART III: If pays for her, isn’t he guaranteed to get some?
Hilariously off the mark. Women don’t want you to be a spineless jellyfish. Understand this: when she gives you an order, and you follow orders without question, you lose ground. She wants a man who answers only to himself and who is always in control. Acquiescing to an outdated dating tradition will get you nowhere.

It’s like guys who worry about when to call. There’s nothing inherently wrong with calling a girl a day after you meet her, or at any time. What you say matters. You matter. If you are a tool, by all means wait three days, but if you are confident enough in your own skin, when you contact her shouldn’t mean a thing. It doesn’t even matter what type of communication it is, either. You could send her a telegram twenty minutes after you see her, and if your game is tight enough, you can pull it off. Believe me, it works for me every time. If I was a trick I would love a telegram.

It’s like I said up above: this guy is paying just for the opportunity to hang with this girl. And while I don’t know anything about her or what she looks like, I can tell you that she isn’t worth it. Her presumptions have guaranteed that. Nothing is a bigger turn-off to me than a woman who feels entitled. Next thing you know, you’ll be driving the kids around to soccer practice and Cub Scout meetings, while she chills at home, sleeps with your boss and looks like Gilbert Grape’s mom.

Part IV: The Verdict and Fall Out
So, the dude paid for it. I ran this situation past a lot of people I know, and most of the reactions were the same: outrage at the woman’s assumption that he would pay for everything, but agreement over the fact that he should pay. I couldn’t believe it. No, he shouldn’t. One girl even said that she expects dudes to pay on the first date or she won’t see him again, and said I was misogynistic for suggesting otherwise. Are you serious? That kind of logic is from caveman times. Well, cavemen used to drag women around by the hair and beat the shit out of them. Is that one making a comeback too?

My final verdict: her asshole-ish response is too much of an obstacle to overcome. The correct way to handle this now is to let her pay for yours, keep telling her you’ll pay for both of them, don’t show up for the concert, and then never contact her again.


3 thoughts on “Dating Advice from the Guy Who Loves Bugs Bunny Cartoons and YooHoo

  1. wtfIf the girl asked him out initially, she shouldn’t have let him pay for anything.Why would he even continue the conversation after she mentioned the price? Does he need ass that bad?

  2. I believe he should give the college chick the $45 for the concert tickets….before the concert BUT after he has sex w/her.He is (obviously to even consider this) desperate for sex; she's desperate for a 'traditional date'… sex then no concert…it'a win-win! (Assuming the chick is HOT & worthy—-if not, don't bother paying for a concert you aren't going to.Invest $ in a bottle of Southern Comfort & go find a college chick who is just desperate & get laid for free)

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