I’ll be in Fredericksburg for most of this weekend celebrating my sister Amy’s 19th birthday, so I’m going to turn this over to guest blogger Joey Gladstone, who wanted to send some happy birthday wishes Amy’s way.
Amy! The Aim-meister!!! I know you’re a huge fan of mine, so I’d like to take a moment to bring a little bit of my wild zaniness into your world by wishing you a happy birthday. If you were thinking of NOT celebrating today, you better CUT…IT…OUT!!!!!!
I am still doing stand up comedy, but a lot about me has changed over the past ten years. Many people criticized me for doing nothing but shitty, irrelevant impressions of cartoon characters during my act, but if you’ve seen me perform lately, you’d know that I’ve fleshed those characters out. I’ve written bits that incorporate them into current social situations in a wacky way. I’ve got a five minute chunk on Bullwinkle talking about the economy. My closer right now is a bit about what Yogi Bear would sound like in Iraq. The audiences love it! Some of them even buy me food after the show. I figure that’s because they find me incredibly hilarious or due to the unmistakable stench of urine emanating from the tattered purple sportcoat I stole from Jesse years ago.
Oh, and here’s an unrelated piece of advice: talking like Popeye will not get you out of a DUI.
I’ve kind of severed ties with the Tanners and the Katsopoulis’s. I like to drink a little bit, which is no secret. I can stop anytime I want, it’s totally not an issue. But we were out at that one pirate-themed restaurant that D.J. used to work at, and about ten rum and cokes in, I asked Danny how his wife was doing. Danny blew up after that and asked what was wrong with me, to which I replied, “I was runner-up on Star Search, bitch,” and then passed out on the table. I haven’t spoken to D-Money since then. Maybe the tension really started at Papouli’s funeral, when I told Jesse that Becky had a Hall of Fame rack. That whole night is blurry; last thing I remember is taking my pants off and sitting in the chicken salad sandwiches after the services, trying to talk like Mr. Woodchuck. Those two events definitely strained things between me and everybody. That, plus I dated Kimmy Gibbler for like two years.
Now that I think about it, there was also that time I got high in the middle of the day and threw Nicky and Alex off the top of the stairs, just to see what would happen. I’d be lying if I said things didn’t get really weird after that.
My career is going really great, though. I run an open mic in San Francisco at this place called Sal’s Beefsteaks. It’s in a strip mall. For awhile there nobody was coming to the show, but we started this contest at the end of the night where we’ll draw names from a hat, and whoever gets picked gets to punch me in the face. It got so popular that now we pick three winners, and we pack the place to a capacity crowd of 23 every week. It’s not opening for Wayne Newton, but they pay me. They pay me in pizza dough, but they pay me. Most of the time.
I’m still pretty much the same guy I was back then. I still wear loud, multi-colored shirts. I still do weird sound effects and live in the Tanner’s house, even though they moved out. And I still work at Taco Bell and date a high-schooler. I wrote a bunch of screenplays about five years back, but Hollywood rejected every single one. It might have been because they were all written using characters I did impressions of. Surprisingly, there is no market for a movie about the Gopher from Caddyshack.
Well, I guess I’ll let you get going, unless you want to let me stay at your place. By the way, if you ever wanted a picture of me, Danny, and the Beach Boys signed by me and my pharmacist, I can sell it to you. That or blood. I’ll sell you either one of those things. You don’t even have to give me money, food works. So, yeah. Happy Birthday!!!!! CUT IT OUT, right?!?
I’m begging you, please buy that picture or some blood.
Joey Gladstone is a stand up comic based out of the San Francisco area. Check out his website at http://members.tripod.com/joeygladstone_cutitout. Next month he will be headlining at Wiseacres Comedy Club.