Traveling Through Hyperspace Ain't Like Dusting Crops, Boy!

George Lucas is at it again.

I watch the History Channel while I’m getting ready for work every morning. Every day from 6-7 AM, they run a series of documentaries. Each series usually lasts about a week. This last week, I noticed all the docs had no running theme. The only thing they had in common was that they were produced by Lucasfilm, and George Lucas were listed as one of the executive producers. After I saw that I started paying closer attention to them. I actually learned a lot of stuff that I didn’t know about history. It made me question a lot of what I was taught in school. Here are some facts I gleaned from the Lucas-produced history documentaries that I was unaware of beforehand:

* World War II ended when FDR climbed out of his wheelchair and threw Hitler into the bowels of the Death Star.

* Alexander Hamilton was killed not in a duel with Aaron Burr, but at a bar, when he bumped into a young blonde man while drinking with his associate, Dr. Evazan.

* The protesters at Tiananmen Square weren’t shot down by soldiers with guns, but rather Ewoks with slingshots.

* King Henry VIII’s fifth wife? Nien Nunb.

* William Henry Harrison did not die from pneumonia. He was forced choked to death by a still-angry Martin Van Buren.

* The Americans were able to prevail at Yorktown after George Washington used a light saber to defeat General Grievous.

* The bartender on the underground railroad was Lando Calrissian. (This was later changed after someone informed Mr. Lucas that the underground railroad was not an actual train)

* The now-famous portrait of the signers of the Declaration of Independence features an oddly out of place Samuel L. Jackson wearing a robe.

* In medieval Europe, apparently it was common for knights to ride big lizards around everywhere.

* The ancient Sumerians strangely all looked like Boba Fett.

* The British granted India its independence after Gandhi made a group of cows levitate in thin air.

* One of Charles Dickens’ lost works: a prequel to A Christmas Carol, which chronicles Scrooge’s childhood as a slave who participates in 25 minute long buggy races that take up way too much time in the book. Also, there was a ton of boring dialogue about trade federations, embargos, politics, and whenever Darth Maul and Ewan McGregor are not involved you want to shoot yourself in the fucking face.

* Julius Caesar swung over the Rubicon on a rope after Cleopatra kissed him for good luck.

* Thomas Jefferson was accompanied everywhere by a Wookie.

* After U.S. soldiers ousted Saddam Hussein’s regime from power in 2003, the people of Iraq toppled a large statue of Emperor Palpatine.

* Abe Lincoln shot first.


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