Halloween is just around the corner. When you’re a kid, your costume represents a chance to wear a crazy outfit you’d never usually wear. When you’re an adult, it’s a passive-aggressive tool used to get laid. I figured I’d send along some costume ideas while you still have some time to prepare.
SEXY COAL MINER
A Halloween stand by: women dress up in the uniform of a typically staid profession while sexing it up a little bit. Nurse, cop, and librarian are the standards, but you can go for some variety this year. Sexy coal miner is in the same vein while being original. Dress in your usual sexy get up, throw a helmet on, put some charcoal on your face, and tape a dead canary to your shoulder.
PALIN WITH A PENIS
Sarah Palin has been drawing a lot of heat not just for her politics, but for her looks as well. What better way to capitalize on that, and throw in a little shock value, than to dress up like Sarah Palin if she had a full, working set of male genitalia? Get a prostethic set of privates and let them dangle in the wind. Wink a lot, talk about Alaska, and scratch your plastic balls often. If you’re man you can just put on a lot of make-up and not wear any pants.
THE GUY WHO PLAYS MONK DURING A BREAK IN FILMING
Dress exactly like Monk would. Whenever people ask you who you are, say, “Tony Shalhoub.”
BILLY OCEAN’S 1984 HIT CARIBBEAN QUEEN
Using a large strap, carry an old school stereo around your neck and blare this 24 year old pop hit all night long. Don’t dress like Billy, though. You don’t want to look like an idiot.
JOHN MCCAIN’S GRANDFATHER
All you need is a skeleton costume and an American soldier’s uniform from the Revolutionary War.
A GUY WHO FORCES THE WORD ‘LITIGIOUS’ INTO EVERY DAY CONVERSATION AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY
Wait until someone starts talking about crime or the law to say, “I’m not the litigious type, but that seems like an open and shut case.” Then just keep saying it in whenever you can, to the point where it makes absolutely no sense. “Well, I don’t consider myself to be litigious, but I’d say that the Giants offense is as litigious as a bitch this time of year.”
Christmas has its symbol of the season. Why can’t Halloween? Be original this October and go as Halloweeno Claus, the bizarro version of Santa. To contrast the bright, joyful colors of the Christmas season, dress in a gloomy black to reflect how scary Halloween can be. Santa’s cheeks glow a merry red; Halloweeno Claus’s face should be as dark as possible. Better wear a black ski mask to cover it up. Santa’s sack contains thousands of wonderful presents for all the little boys and girls; Halloweeno Claus would carry an empty sack that he would put stuff into. Stuff like furniture, other kids’ Halloween candy, and electronic equipment. Also, whenever you see old ladies, shake them and demand they give you their stuff. You know, like the opposite of what happens on Christmas!
Now that I think about it that would just make you a cat burglar.
A GIANT DICK AND BALLS
No better way to say, “Look at me! I have no personality and am trying to compensate by dressing in an over-the-top get up! Seriously, look at me! Pay attention! Hey, where are you going? I promise you there’s no smegma!”
All you need for this one is a nun’s outfit and a generous helping of baking soda. Throw the baking soda all over your face. Constantly sniff, and every once in awhile throw some of your fake llello on the table and snort it. Yell out, “God, I am so horny right now!”
OFF-DUTY JAMES BOND
For this costume, you’ll need jeans, a t-shirt, sneakers, and a bow-tie. Whenever anyone asks how you want your drink prepared, just say, “Let me get a Yuengling.”
THE 1980’s BAND GENERAL PUBLIC
A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
This one will require you, a friend, and a pair of handcuffs. One dresses up like Obama, the other dresses like McCain. All night both of you just walk around talking about the issues at the same time, handcuffed together. Having a third person follow you around as Tom Brokaw is optional.
All you need is a Dodgers uniform and a dread lock wig. Then all you have to do is show up to a party and just fuck off until you get traded to a better party.
THE FEDERAL BAILOUT
Tape a bunch of money to yourself and don’t wear anything else. If anyone is confused by your explanation, just tell them you’re the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase. If they continue to look confused, ask them for a back rub. When they say no, dangle a five in front of them and say, “Everybody’s got a price.” Then laugh maniacally.
Cut two holes in a sheet. Throw it over your head. Go to a packed movie theater playing Body of Lies. Sit down and halfway through the film, yell out, “Fuckin’ Polynesians! Right?”