The vice presidential debates are going down tonight at 9PM. Moderator Gwen Ifill, who wrote a book about Obama, is drawing much criticism from the right as a less than non-partisan participant. In order to placate the masses, my sources are telling me that a second panelist will be added to join Ifill; the 1984 Billy Ocean hit Caribbean Queen.
I got ahold of debate coordinator Richard Steamboat to ask him about the eccentric choice. “This is a historic election, so we figured we’d make a historic choice for co-moderator,” Steamboat said. “No song has ever moderated a debate in the history of mankind, and we feel that Queen will balance Ms. Ifill’s somewhat left-leaning tendencies. And you’ve got to admit, it’s a catchy song. Here, let me turn it on here….there….come on, dance with me. I know you want to. You feel it. C’mon…UHHH…yeah!”
I declined to dance with Mr. Steamboat. Ms. Ifill was not as thrilled with the decision. “It’s a farce. What are they going to do? I mean…after I ask a question, are they just going to play the song? I don’t get it,” said Ifill.
I then played the song for her on my IPod. “What is he saying? Caribou queen? It’s not even that good of a song,” Ifill stated before I hung up on her for insulting such a money song.
Fox news correspondent Brit Hume applauded the decision. Said Hume: “No one’s tried anything this revolutionary since they blasted Love Me Tender at Adlai Stevenson back in the day.”
The moderators will not deal with the same topics, either. Here is the scheduled list of topics each moderator’s questions will deal with:
IFILL: Foreign policy
QUEEN: Dashing by in painted on jeans
IFILL: The economy
QUEEN: Losing my cool when she steps in the room
QUEEN: Electric eyes you can’t ignore
QUEEN: Two part question: Hearts that beat as one/No more love on the run
When reached for comment, Ocean simply stated that he was looking for an even-handed discussion of today’s issues, as well as his song. Although he has maintained a strict non-partisan stance coming into the debates, when asked for his opinion of Palin, Ocean quietly said, “She’s simply….awesome.”