It is now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series “But Could He Beat Chewbacca?”, in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.
STRENGTHS: It ain’t easy.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Our hero stands on the street in the pouring rain. He wears a purple coat and a feather boa. Maybe fifty yards away, Luke Skywalker and Lando Calrissian, both dressed like women, shiver as they wave to passersby.
“Nobody’s going to stop, Chewie!” yells Luke, his lipstick smeared from the downpour.
“Shut up, you dirty ho. Just let this happen,” Chewie snaps back.
“Chewbacca, there’s an Arby’s down the street. How about we get out of the rain and grab a bite? We can reassess our strategy,” says Lando diplomatically.
Chewie points at Lando and bellows, “What did we discuss? You bang a john, then you get a beef and cheddar sandwich. That’s the deal.”
THE FULL COURT PRESS
STRENGTHS: A suffocating basketball defense in which the team on defense guards the offensive team for entire length of the floor. Usually leads to lots of turnovers.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: As Chewbacca accepts the in-bounds pass, two defenders converge on him. It looks like they’re both going to defend him in the corner, not allowing him to get the ball up court. The worst part is, he doesn’t see it coming. Someone has to warn him…
Out of nowhere, Chewie’s teammate Admiral Ackbar sprints to his aid, and at the top of his lung yells, “It’s a trap!”
Chewie looks up, reads the D, and dribbles all the way up the floor to hit the game-winning dunk. After the game, he fucks the mothers of everybody on the opposing team.
And he films it and stores it on R2’s database.
A KILLER WHALE
STRENGTHS: A ferocious ocean killer with complex hunting strategies.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Han, dressed as cat burgulars, sneak into Sea World around 4 AM. Chewie carries a bag with brass knucks, a club, and some garden spades, a favorite weapon of his. Han carries a referee’s shirt and a whistle so he can officiate the fight.
Before they can break in the orca tank, a flashlight shines in their eyes. It is a security guard.
“Hey! What are you two doing?”
Chewie looks at Han, struggling for words. “We ah….we’re the…pool…inspect….clean. Pool cleaners?”
The security guard goes for his gun and yells “Get the fuck out of here!” as they sprint away.
STRENGTHS: It’s a difficult video game.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca glides through the game with ease. He even chuckles a few times, as the game is that easy to him. As he’s playing, Han walks in.
“Sup G,” says Chewie, “Man, I had no idea Halo 3 was this easy. I’ve beaten every track.”
Han looks at the TV, then at Chewbacca, dumbfounded. “Chewie…you’re playing MarioKart.”
Chewbacca squints at the screen, “What….aw, fuck me!”
A look of concern falls over Han’s face. “Buddy, you need glasses. I keep on telling you that you’re hurting your eyes.”
Chewie bolts from the room, and as he leaves he yells, “Whatever dude, you’re full of shit.”
STRENGTHS: A 151-proof rum, its alcohol content is so high that the drink is flammable at room temperature.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: The gang has gathered for Luke’s bachelor party at the old Cantina: Chewie, Han, Lando, Wedge, R2, Nien Nunb, and Ackbar. Everybody is crazy-man fucked up. Ackbar is making out with that blue-tittied girl from Jabba’s Palace. Han and Luke are rubbing their balls against a passed out Wedge’s face. Nien Nunb’s a lightweight; he passed out by like 10:30 and got his girlfriend to pick him up. Lando and R2 are playing Golden Tee. Chewie is the only one who’s not wasted. Sure, he’s got a steady buzz sipping on Patron all night, but nothing major. He stays strong as people throw shots in his face, turning them down every time with the same refrain: “Nah dawg, I’m driving.” At about 12:45, Luke comes up to him, babbling about how he can’t take this one shot of 151, and he hands it behind his back to Chewie. Our hero examines it, says, “What the hell?” then downs it in one gulp.
The next morning, he wakes up in a bed with a cocktail waitress, a mannequin, a blowup doll, a pizza, a Chinese delivery guy, a clown, a rake, a pool noodle, three bags of Doritos, a bucket of chum, a sex swing, the first season of Evening Shade on DVD, Reggie Miller, Princess Leia, Salacious Crumb, Morgan Freeman dressed like his character from Glory, Tiger Woods’ wife, another Wookie dressed like a sexy librarian, and four dead Bothans.
Chewbacca wakes up and surveys this mess, paying particular attention to the Bothans. He puts his head in his hands and says solemnly, “Many Bothans died so I could get my nut.”
ADAPTING THE WATCHMEN TO THE BIG SCREEN
STRENGTHS: One of the most critically acclaimed graphic novels ever, The Watchmen is coming to theaters in March. Many big names have been attached to the attempted film adaptation, and after decades in “development hell,” time can only tell if this version will live up to the classic source material.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie puts the finishing touches on his script as the studio exec, Greedo, walks into his office.
“Done yet, Chewie?” says Greedo, who wears a nice suit and puts his hand on Chewbacca’s shoulder.
“One moment,” says Chewie, who puts the finishing touches on the script. “And….there you go. All finished.”
He hands a stack of papers to Greedo, who examines the first page: it is a stick figure, apparently masturbating his stick penis, with the words “GREEDO” written above its head. Underneath the picture is another sub-headline which reads “U R Gay.”