I Hate Magic

I’m using the term hate here to describe how I feel about magic and magicians. That’s how strongly I feel about it. If a magician came up to me on the street and asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick, I’d take his cards, rabbit, saw, or whatever he was going to use in the trick, and I’d throw it in a river.

(Quick aside – the picture to the left has nothing to do with the rest of this post, but I hate magic and magicians so much that I didn’t want to dignify them with their own picture. I decided to go with an irrelevant, yet awesome, picture instead. You can now go back to enjoying the image of Tom Hagen chilling with the Hokie Bird)

What they do isn’t real. They didn’t accomplish anything; it’s all fake. They didn’t get a Magic Bachelor’s Degree from Magic College. They didn’t even get a Magic GED. The problem isn’t with the tricks themselves though; it’s with the guys who do the tricks. Most magicians are guys with no personality who want to use card tricks to get laid. Who can blame them? It’s easier to learn a silly ass card trick than it is to be charming. “Maybe I can’t hold a conversation, but I can make it look like the 7 of clubs is levitating in mid-air….wanna make out?”

The only thing that bothers me more than a magician is someone who acts impressed by magic. Look at him make that card float! That is amazing! There’s always a group of idiots standing around, blank expressions on their faces, clapping like retarded seals. Whenever I see some guy applauding a magician, I think – the only magic that was conjured up here was to make a fuckface appear out of thin air. He took a perfectly normal man and transformed into a blubbering fuckhead with the brain of a seven year old. That is what I call sleight of hand.

The only worthwhile thing ever produced because of magic was The Prestige.

David Blaine is the worst. Half of what he does isn’t even magic. Most of it is just him being in an undesirable place for a long period of time. That’s it. Based on that notion, here are some other stunts he’s contemplating:

* Renewing his driver’s license in person at the DMV

* A day in the raptor’s nest at Jurassic Park

* Reading Elie Wiesel’s Night

I’m not trying to take anything away from him. Some of the tricks he does are pretty impressive. Maybe a little bit too impressive. I’ve always had a theory that David Blaine is the Devil. Think about it – he’s smarmy without being overbearing. Weird looking eyes. Looks like the kind of guy who would call a waiter ‘chief.’ He is exactly the kind of person who I would expect to see running things when I eventually go to Hell.

The worst part about his stunts are that in every one they have to figure out what to do with his urine. So that means that even when he’s at his peak, at those times when he’s reached the apex of his profession, he’s wondering about urine storage. I have to give it up to him on that one; if I was in his position, I’d be constantly be worried about what happens to my piss. There is no way I could keep focused on the task at hand when there’s a chance my own piss might touch me. I mean, it’s not like my piss is worse than anybody else’s, I’d just get freaked out by it, is all. “Man, being encased in a block of ice is such a rush…fuck, is that water on my thigh, or did I just drain the snake? The cold makes it hard to tell. What happens if it freezes up and I emerge from block of ice with a giant peesicle attached to my knee? I’m going to be the laughingstock of the Magic Community! Aw, fuck me.”

Whatever your opinion on David Blaine is, I think we can all agree that his next stunt should be pretty amazing. I think he may perform a feat that will prove to be his most amazing one yet:

My name is David Blaine, and for my latest trick, I will take this potato sack, and by simply stepping inside it and pulling it up to my waste, I will transform it into a douchebag.


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