Everybody at Carvel Ice Cream Warmly Invites You to Suck Our Privates

I’m getting some ice cream at a Carvel with my sister Amy. I see that they have a quote on the walls from the founder of Carvel, Tom Carvel. The wall reads, “As Tom Carvel used to say: “Thank you.”

Now, that is exactly the type of aw-shucks, down on the farm charm that separates Carvel from the other ice cream chains. Tom Carvel doesn’t just use the term “thank-you;” he went ahead and invented the phrase itself. Surely if they’re quoting him on it, he must have came up with it, right? Nowhere else will you get that kind of commitment to politeness. Why, if you go to Baskin-Robbins, there’s a sign that says, “As Morgan Baskin and Philemon Robbins used to say, ‘All our customers are dickless fuckheads.'”

Apparently, Tom Carvel’s contributions to Western civilization extend beyond the invention of Cookie Puss. Add this to his glorious resume: the concept of verbally expressing gratitude. How did anyone show appreciation before Tom Carvel came around?

All I can say is color me thankful for not having to live in a world in which Tom Carvel hadn’t thought of the idea of thanking someone. I can’t even imagine. Countless generations of humans wandering the Earth, unable to put formulate a group of words that will properly express their emotions after they get a shitty Christmas gift. Patrons at restaurants slapping their waiters in the face after paying the check, not out of hatred, but out of confusion over what to do. Mohandas Gandhi shot dead, all because he didn’t know what to say to the British when they granted India her independence. It would be absolute fucking bedlam if things were still like that. THANK YOU, Tom Carvel, for bestowing those oh-so magic duo of words upon us.

Seriously though: if that’s the best you can muster up as a quote, I think you’re going to have to research some other shit you said during your life. Thank you? You didn’t say anything else worth repeating in your 84 years? Maybe he was just a moron. A brainless fool who made idiotic statement after idiotic statement, never uttering anything worth repeating. No company is going to look good if the wall says –

As Tom Carvel used to say, “Dinosaurs are the shit. I want to be one.”

I guess it could be kind of genius. Carvel takes an insanely common phrase and anchors it to the face of their company. All businesses should adopt this model:

The staff at TGIFridays would like to quote our great founder, Glen Ifridays, by saying: “God bless you.”

Or, if you don’t have a clearly definable figurehead, just attach a quote you were going to use to a great man:

We here at Outback Steakhouse would like to recall the great words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt after the attack on Pearl Harbor when he said: “A gratuity of 20% will automatically be added for parties of 8 or more.”

Here’s something pretty wild: there was a rumor going around at the time of his 1990 death that Tom Carvel may have been murdered. The official cause of death was listed as a heart attack, but some think his secretary may have suffocated him. Maybe a more honest, forthright sign would read: “As Tom Carvel used to say, ‘Mmmffffmmmff!'”

I don’t like to end posts with a death. As a morale booster, how about we close this bitch out with a picture of Fudgie the Whale:

Oh yeah. Fudgie likes it.


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